


My Name is Beca

by Musetotheworld



Category: Pitch Perfect (Movies)
Genre: F/F, but apparently I am au trash, ghost au, this was supposed to be a crack!fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-13
Updated: 2016-03-09
Packaged: 2018-05-06 10:37:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 36,734
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5413655
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Musetotheworld/pseuds/Musetotheworld
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Not a part of the "You Make us Better" universe or series. Beca had a choice, to move on or to stay on Earth. That doesn't mean she really understood the choice when it was offered, or the consequences of her decision.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> As Beca is a ghost, I think it's fairly obvious that there will be mild discussions of death and various related topics throughout this fic, but there are no graphic descriptions of the situations in anything I've written so far, and I don't plan to write them later. There will be a general explanation in chapter two and possible future conversations, but anything that is included will have a warning beforehand.
> 
> Not marked with Major Character Death because of that, though if anyone thinks I should change that I will.

It hadn’t taken long for the appeal of being a ghost to wear off, and by now Beca is starting to regret making the decision. If there was any kind of actual committee she could go to and protest, she would. It had sounded a lot different when she’d first died, the ghost that came to talk to her before she moved on had made it sound like fun, an exciting way to see the world she’d been taken from too soon.

But now it’s six months later, and Beca is starting to wish she’d taken the other option to just move on. True, no one on this plane has any idea what awaits you if you make that choice, but surely it has to be better than the never ending boredom she’s stuck facing now.

Turns out that being a ghost isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, and Beca is more than tired of all the haunting. That’s the way of things though, in order to stick around and not simply fade into nothingness with no trace your soul has ever existed, you have to interact with the world in some way. Haunting just seems to be the best way various ghosts have found over the years. Making the living react to your presence somehow gives your soul a stronger connection to the world than just affecting the environment making a cold spot or two.

The ghosts that offered her the choices hadn’t explained that very well though, making it seem like continuing to exist would be better than an uncertain eternity, that being able to see the world would help with the pain of not being a true part of it anymore. They hadn’t mentioned that you have to anchor your energy to someone or something in order to keep from drifting aimlessly, and that once you anchored yourself you couldn’t go too far from that person or place.

That had been Beca’s first mistake, she’d sought the solitude she’d craved and never truly found while alive, anchoring to a quiet corner of her favorite record station that not even the employees seemed to remember existed. For a day or so she’d been fine, but with no one wandering by to interact with, had soon begun to feel herself start to fade. She’d completely forgotten she had to interact with the world rather than just exist, and had panicked at the sensation, quickly trying to chill the air around her spirit to regain the contact.

It had taken longer than she’d realized it would to figure out how to do that, another thing that made her hate the ghosts that had persuaded her. Once she’d made her choice they’d sent her off with no real training, just a few quick explanations about the importance of interaction and anchoring.

They also hadn’t explained how to reverse an anchoring to move once you’d chosen, so Beca had ended up spending her first month as a ghost being taken as a faulty air conditioning unit and listening to the same songs on repeat. She’d loved the record store in life, but after being stuck in a few aisles 24/7 for over a month, the attraction had quickly worn thin. It’s another thing death has taken from her, and she isn’t happy about it.

It does let her practice a few of the easier techniques the recruiter ghost had mentioned during his speech, before he’d vanished. They take a lot of effort at first, but it’s not like Beca has anything but time now.

When she eventually manages to reverse the anchoring process, it’s mostly by accident, and she isn’t sure exactly what steps led to regaining her freedom. The uncertainty makes her reluctant to anchor again too soon, afraid of being trapped once again in a less than ideal space.

Everything gradually gets easier over the next few months, though she never does manage to figure out which step of the process actually removes the anchor. She usually just repeats every step she remembers from last time, never in the same order twice, until eventually she can feel herself drifting. She comes to both fear and love the time spent unanchored, the feeling of drifting unconnected from anything is unsettling, but also more freedom than she’s ever felt, in life or in death.

Some of the other ghosts she encounters as she drifts call it ‘riding the waves’ as if she’s some ghostly surfer dude, but she doesn’t see it that way. She doesn’t drift for the thrill of it, or to forget anything, she just can’t bear the thought of being stuck in one place for all of eternity.

She’d also never realized just how many ghosts there are in the world, not that she’d ever actually believed in ghosts while she was alive. I mean she’d heard of all the various ‘haunted mansions’ and whatever else, but she’d never encountered a ghost of her own and usually just figured those places were faked to make money.

Turns out she had encountered ghosts, probably more than just a few over the course of her life. She’d thought hauntings were creepy noises and thrown objects, faces in photos and ghostly touches. Major things, but ones that can be easily faked.

Turns out most hauntings are smaller scale than that, cold rooms no matter what the heat is blowing, chairs shifted slightly when you go to sit down so you’re knocked off balance, keys moved from where you left them last. The ghosts Beca meets explain that the larger hauntings require a lot more energy than most ghosts possess, and require either several lifetimes of learning or a great deal of emotion upon death, beyond the usual emotions of a life cut short. Neither of which fit Beca’s situation.

It’s curiosity that eventually brings her to Barden, a desire to see how her father is coping with her death that she’d call morbid under other circumstances. Turns out it’s hard to think of anything as morbid when you’re actually dead.

She’s almost offended at first, he seems perfectly happy as he prepares for the new school year, joking with his fellow professors and spending his evenings with Sheila. She knows it’s been six months since she died, but surely he’s not over it yet, right?  
She ends up anchoring to his study to watch him for a week or so, eventually noticing that any time he sits for more than fifteen minutes he’ll stop to look at a picture he keeps on his desk, one of the last happy times they spent together before he left. Without fail he’ll stare at it for at least a minute, looking lost in thought as all the cheer drains from his face. She can’t read minds, but she thinks he’s regretting all the times they missed. As much as she hates it, she does too. Now that she’s dead, she knows a lot about missed chances.

She ends up relocating after the week she spends watching him, unable to take the reminder of what she’s lost. Not that there was ever much between them once he left, but she’s lost all chances of a future where she could fix that. When she starts thinking that missed opportunities are harder to lose than actual memories, she knows she’s been around him for too long, and that it’s time to move on.

But she can’t bring herself to leave Barden this time, no matter that she’s drifted her way across most of the country over the past months, seeing as much of the world as she could. That’s the one good thing about being a ghost, she’s had a chance to travel to all the places she’d wanted to see for years, and she doesn’t need to take time for sleep as she does. It doesn’t help when she realizes everything she’ll never get to truly experience, but she manages not to think about it most of the time.

At least there’s enough going on around a college campus that keeps her distracted no matter what the hour. She particularly likes anchoring to trees in the common areas and scaring the frat boys as they tell each other dirty jokes and brag about sleeping around. She sees her father a few times a day, and every time she does debates anchoring near him and trying to communicate. The other ghosts told her it’s difficult and takes time to master the technique, but surely it can’t be that hard. The fact that she’s been moving around so much rather than sticking in one place means she’s gotten a lot of practice with her ghostly abilities, and she can’t imagine that communication will be more difficult than some of the other things she’s learned to do.

The day she finally gets up the courage to try is the day she realizes how wrong she was. It turns out that meaningful communication is something completely different from most other ghostly powers, and the most she manages is an unearthly moan that nearly sends him running before he dismisses it as a figment of his overtired imagination and shakes it off.

Beca knows better though, and rather than shaking it off it shakes her confidence to the core. She does run, drifting as quickly as she can manage in the first direction she thinks of. She doesn’t even know where she’s going, has no destination in mind. She’d wanted to communicate, wanted to tell him how much she missed him and how much she regrets not being able to fix what had happened between them. Had wanted to tell him that she forgives him, that she can’t blame him for anything that happened. That she’d shut him out far earlier than he’d shut her out.

She ends up drifting in circles around campus, still unwilling to leave completely. She drifts for days, longer than she ever has before, lost in her thoughts and paying no attention to her surroundings or situation.

Panic nearly sets in when she realizes that she’s started to fade, that she hasn’t interacted with the world in days and is danger of losing her soul to nothingness. In that near panic she forgets that she needs to anchor before she can influence the world around her, and when her powers fail she nearly loses control completely.

Then she hears someone singing nearby, and the music cuts through her panic in an instant, drawing her closer without conscious thought. It’s not until she’s actually next to the singer that she realizes what has happened, that the woman and her singing has somehow helped her to anchor without realizing it, and that she’s interacting with the steam of the shower to ground herself.

Because of course she’s managed to infiltrate a random woman’s shower in her panic, a fact that nearly has her unanchoring and moving on. Except she’s too weak from drifting so long, and knows that she risks fading completely if she runs now. And no matter how much she hurts right now, she’s too scared of facing the void to risk it.

As the redhead keeps singing Beca also realizes that her anchor isn’t the shower that they’re in now, but the woman herself. She’s never anchored on a person before, had felt that it was too creepy, whether she’s a ghost or not. She may be dead, and her means of continuing to exist may involve creeping out the living, but this feels like it crosses a line. Doubly so since she’s in the woman’s shower.

Immediately she averts her eyes, trying to be a little less of a creep even though she’s standing only a few feet from an unaware naked woman. She manages to move a few feet away to the other side of the shower curtain, but she’s too weak to move any farther than that. At full strength she’s managed to move more than 500 feet away from her anchor point, but right now even a few steps is more than she can manage.

She can block out the sight of the other woman, but she can’t manage to block out her voice. It’s clear and high, with beautiful control over pitch. It’s a voice that draws you in no matter what, and reminds Beca of the simple pleasure in singing. She can’t help joining in, doesn’t realize what she’d done until the other woman stops mid lyric to call out to see who’s there.

Beca can’t answer, and hates herself for it. She doesn’t know why singing managed to bridge the divide between their planes, but she knows that speaking won’t. And she has the feeling that even if she tries singing, without the redhead accompanying her it won’t work. All that she’ll accomplish is to scare the woman, and when she’s bound to her side for the foreseeable future that’s the last thing she wants to do. She’s never been comfortable scaring the living anyway, let alone someone she feels unaccountably drawn to.

Thankfully the woman seems to put it out of her mind when she’s met with silence, finishing her shower routine and stepping out. She doesn’t start singing again though, and Beca finds herself strangely disappointed by that fact.

The disappointment fades completely when the woman pulls the shower curtain back to grab her towel, not bothering to hide behind the thin plastic before she pulls it around her. She just stands there confidently, far more sure of herself than Beca has ever been. And Beca has to admit she has good reason to be that confident, at least until she reminds herself that staring is wrong and the other woman doesn’t know she’s being watched.

She ends up being dragged along in the redhead’s wake as she dresses and leaves the building, not able to keep up in her current exhausted state. She usually prefers to mimic the movements of walking for comfort’s sake as she travels, but there’s no way she can manage that as she’s pulled along, so finally she gives up and just floats, letting the bond between her and the redhead move her. It’s strange and uncomfortable, but infinitely easier than trying to keep up.

She does manage to learn her anchor’s name as she’s towed along, which about the only good thing to come out of the day. She’s far more exhausted than she’d realized, her energy not seeming to increase even slightly after a full day of being anchored and trying to influence her surroundings. It doesn’t help that she’s too weak to do much more than alter the temperature a degree or two, but surely there should be some improvement after this long.

It makes her realize how close she’d come to losing herself, and she suddenly feels a surge of thankfulness for Chloe, thankfulness that she’d happened to be singing at that moment, thankfulness that music still had the power to pull Beca in.

By the second day, Beca had managed to regain what she figures is about a quarter of her strength, enough that she can stay outside the room whenever Chloe has company over or heads to the shower. It’s still awkward and she wishes she could anchor somewhere else, but she’s still not strong enough to let go and move on to another place. And honestly, she’s a little terrified to even try, after drifting so long the freedom doesn’t seem worth the risk.

At least Chloe is interesting, keeping Beca from feeling trapped by the situation as the days continue to pass. Beca’s strength only slowly recovers, after a week she’s barely over half strength. She’s starting to wonder if anchoring to a person is less effective than anchoring to a place when she realizes that between her exhaustion and distraction with Chloe, she hasn’t been interacting with the world as much as she probably should. Once she starts doing that her strength returns faster, though still not as fast as she would prefer.

It also has the unfortunate effect of making Chloe uneasy, a side effect Beca wishes she could take back. But she can’t communicate with her, can’t figure out how to tell the woman that she doesn’t need to worry, that Beca would never harm her and regrets the fact that she’s scaring her.

Desperate to figure something out Beca starts practicing each night, trying to manage speech that’s audible to the living. With the ability to move farther from Chloe’s side now, she usually heads an apartment or two away, scaring her neighbors as an alternative to freaking out the woman she’s still drawn towards. She ends up crashing a few parties that way, not that she particularly minds. Getting a roomful of drunken college students to scream as she attempts communication turns out to be a great way to build her strength back up.

She slowly figures it out, though she can’t manage to make herself heard louder than the barest whisper without putting more energy into the attempt than she can spare, even with the energy she gets from scaring entire parties. The other ghosts weren’t kidding when they’d warned her it took a long time to master, and a lot of energy.

She keeps at it though, even when she’s back to most of her former strength. Beca doesn’t want to move her anchor until she can reassure Chloe that the weird events going on around her are nothing to worry about. She’s not even sure why anymore; she just knows that she can’t leave this woman wondering. As one-sided as their interactions have been, if you can call them that, she’s starting to genuinely like the redhead.

The warmth she radiates to everyone around her is clearly visible to Beca’s ghostly sight, far more attuned to the flows of energy than most humans can hope to achieve. It’s not a skill she’s practiced all that much, but even with only the innate talent granted to her by her nature as a ghost she can tell that Chloe’s aura is welcoming to anyone who sees her, the light of her smile almost an actual light in the fields of energy around her.

Her anger, though far more rare than her smiles, is just as powerful. Beca discovers that when Chloe finds out the boy she’d been dating had been lying to her for weeks. And despite Beca’s desire to give them privacy for the emotionally charged encounter, she can’t seem to physically pull herself away from the emotions in Chloe’s voice. It’s as captivating as her smile, and what’s more Beca can actually feel the energy, the seductive draw it presents to creatures that live on such energies. Creatures like her.

But even a small taste of it makes Beca realize that to use that energy to fuel herself would be a terrible mistake, while there is more energy there than she could ever hope to use, it’s not the kind to mess with. Maybe a taste or two would be fine, but Beca can see how addicting it could become, can tell that feeding from it too often could easily turn her into an entirely different kind of spirit, from a harmless prankster who haunts to survive into a genuinely malevolent spirit that thrives on real fear and other negative emotions.

She doesn’t manage to leave the room throughout the entire argument, though she does manage to refrain from taking in any more of the redhead’s anger. She stays through the argument, quickly taking Chloe’s side against the idiot who made the mistake of throwing the redhead’s affection away. He hadn’t even been cheating on her, which would almost have been better; he’d been using her for access to her friend Aubrey’s completed homework. At least cheating would have implied there had been some kind of emotions to the relationship at some point, but the callous use of Chloe’s trust is far more painful, both for the redhead and the ghost who has been following her for weeks now.

It gets to the point that Beca can’t stop herself from scaring the man, chilling the air behind him every time Chloe gets in a particularly good shot, making his phone vibrate repeatedly so he thinks someone is calling only to have it be nothing, and even shifting his clothing as he wears it, as if something is touching him. It sets him off balance, and gives Chloe an edge, not that she’d needed one to tell him exactly what she thought of him.

Honestly, nothing Beca had seen as she followed Chloe had prepared her for the language that comes from her, delivered coldly as the heat of her anger finally runs out. It’s not even that she curses that much either, but the lack of any compassion in her words or tone drives the point home far more than any cursing could manage. It’s as if she’s a completely different woman than the one Beca is used to, though after some thought Beca realizes that she’s still being compassionate, but for her friend and herself, not the man who is in the wrong.

It’s not until he leaves, has had enough time to leave the building entirely, that Chloe breaks down for herself. It’s clear that she’d really liked the guy, and Beca wishes she could make him pay for hurting Chloe. It’s a dangerous thought, and makes Beca grateful she’d resisted the urge to pull in any more of the anger or she wouldn’t have hesitated. She doesn’t want to turn into something she isn’t, and the lure of revenge or retaliation would pull her down that path without any regard for what she wanted.

It’s as if the lack of physical body leaves her far more vulnerable to negativity and consequences than she had been as a human. Makes it easier to turn into something dark. Wanting revenge for being wronged is a normal human emotion, as is wanting to get revenge for a friend who’s been wronged, but apparently for a ghost it’s an entirely different story. She isn’t human anymore, and she has to start remembering that.

“You deserve better than him” she whispers as she watches Chloe cry, wishes she could offer some kind of comfort to the redhead. She wasn’t expecting the woman to hear her.

“Who’s there?” she asks as she sits up from where she’d collapsed into bed, looking around wildly as she tries to identify the source of the sound.

“Shit” is all Beca can think to say. She hadn’t wanted to scare Chloe, hadn’t wanted to speak at all. She isn’t confident enough in her abilities to start a conversation yet, hadn’t even realized she was projecting as she spoke. She was commenting to herself, not to the redhead.

“Whoever is there, you’d better show yourself or I’m calling the police” Chloe says when no answer comes, curling into the corner of her bed with a textbook lifted threateningly. Beca has to give her credit, despite the obvious fear in her voice she’s obviously ready to react to anything.

“You don’t have to call the police” Beca says, this time pitching her voice louder, deliberately attempting to be heard. And it works, she can see Chloe’s eyes widen as they dart around the room, looking for where the voice could have come from. There aren’t many options in a dorm room, even a single like the redhead has. “But I can’t show myself.”

“What, what do you mean?” comes the hesitant response, book not lowered an inch. And this isn’t how Beca had wanted this conversation to go, not that she’d had an actual plan in mind. But this seems like the worst possible way to go about having it.

“First, please don’t freak out” Beca tries, wishing she could knock her head into the wall as soon as the phrase leaves her mouth. Of course Chloe is going to freak out; she’s literally talking to a ghost. “But I can’t show myself, because I’m…dead.”

It’s the first time she’s admitted that to herself. She’ll consider herself a ghost, acknowledge that she’d had a funeral and isn’t alive anymore, but not an actual admission that she’s dead. It’s strangely hard to get out, and she can tell that her emotions have started affecting the area around her when the window fogs up in reaction to the drop in temperature. The shift draws Chloe’s eyes, and they widen in panic as she scrambles to the other end of the bed, as far from the window as she can get without actually leaving the bed.

“What? Are you like, haunting me? Is…is this some kind of joke?” The panic is clear in Chloe’s voice now, and Beca wishes she could come up with some way to reassure her. She can’t think of anything though, and the stress of making herself heard is starting to drain the energy she’s built up over the past weeks.

“It’s not a joke” she answers first, though she’s had the same thought a few times over the past few weeks. Maybe the universe is playing a joke on them, on her, but it’s not of her doing so she feels comfortable saying that to Chloe. It doesn’t feel like a lie. “And technically I am haunting you, but it’s like, not on purpose or anything. It was sort of an accident.”

Chloe doesn’t seem convinced, not that Beca can blame her. But there’s only so much that Beca can say, especially as her strength starts fading from the effort of making herself heard. The strength she’s getting from Chloe reacting to her isn’t enough to offset the drain, and she’s starting to tire. She thinks she only has a few more sentences left in her before she won’t be able to say anything, but she can’t think of anything to say that will help without wasting them.

“I promise I won’t hurt you” is what she eventually settles on. It’s nothing like what she wishes she could say, but it does seem to reassure the redhead, at least a little. Though why she’d trust a ghost is beyond Beca, most of the ghosts she’s encountered on her travels have embraced the prankster mentality, perfectly willing to do almost anything to get a reaction.

Beca might not be good with words, but when they’ve failed her there has always been music and she hopes that this time is no different. She can’t manage words again without using too much of her stored energy, but Chloe’s laptop is standing open with a music player still open, and it’s as easy as thought to manipulate the system to play a song, thankful to see that Chloe already has the song she had in mind as she sets “Titanium” to playing.

Not that she’s surprised; the redhead had been singing it in the shower when Beca had been drawn in. And it’s a favorite of Beca’s from before her death, one she’d listened to for hours at times, trying to figure out the chords and baseline, building potential mixes in her head before she tried to build them for real. She’d never gotten around to that point, but she still loves the song.

She thinks she’s made a mistake when the music first starts playing as Chloe jumps in fear, looking at her laptop like it’s been possessed. But as the music finally seems to sink in the panic fades, slowly being replaced by a smile as Beca sets the song to repeat. And the waves of anger and fear are calming around the redhead, replaced by her usual warmth as the song continues on loop. It’s dimmed, not as vibrant as usual, but still the brightest thing in the room to Beca’s energy sensitive eyes.

“Thank you” comes the eventual quiet response as Chloe settles into her bed, far more relaxed than Beca would have imagined she could be this soon after finding out a ghost is haunting her. Apparently music means as much to the redhead as it does to Beca, and choosing it to bridge the gap was a good choice.

Beca has plenty of time to think as Chloe sleeps, not needing to rest herself. She debates heading downstairs to the party she knows is going on in order to recharge a little with a few scares, but can’t bring herself to leave Chloe’s side. It’s not like she can help right now, can’t protect her from anything either, but she can’t just leave her alone either.

She’s almost afraid of what will happen when the redhead wakes up, easily imagining her freaking out after a night to sleep on it all, wanting Beca to leave and never bother her again, freaking out at her presence. And she has a right to say who is allowed in her space, a right Beca would never dream of taking from her. So if she wants Beca gone, then Beca will leave.

It’s a thought that scares Beca more than she’d thought possible. And that’s a thought that almost makes her laugh in turn. Who could have imagined that outcome, a ghost scared of a human? It’s absurd to even think, but Beca can’t stop herself from dwelling on it. It makes her realize just how much she’s come to like Chloe, how much she’s depended on her constant brightness to keep her from slipping into a depression.

She’s so lost in thought that she gradually stops noticing her surroundings, not paying attention as the sky lightens outside the window or as Chloe begins to stir. So when Chloe speaks into the silence, she ends up jumping, a random thought passing through her head that she’s grateful ghosts can’t have heart attacks.

“Hey, are you still here?” is all Chloe says, peering around her a little suspiciously as she sits up with blanket still clutched to her chest.

“Yeah, I’m still here” Beca manages to say after a minute, wincing as Chloe jumps a little at her voice.

“Why haven’t you talked to me before?” comes the next question after she settles, and Beca finds herself grateful that the question had come up fairly early, before she’s too tired to explain well enough. She still isn’t fully recovered from last night, and talking so Chloe can hear is still hard.

“Talking where humans can hear is difficult and tiring” she explains, not wanting to waste words. “And I had to practice before I could do it at all.” She sees Chloe sit back in thought at that one, obviously thinking back over the past weeks and cataloguing each of the previously unexplainable occurrences.

“You’ve been around for weeks then, haven’t you?” the blonde asks, though Beca can tell it isn’t really a question and doesn’t waste her strength answering. That silence seems to decide Chloe on something, and the redhead swings her legs out of bed with only a slight hesitation before standing and crossing to her laptop where Titanium is still playing. “You could turn on my music, can you type? Is that easier than speaking for you?”

Her seeming willingness to not only put up with Beca’s presence but also to seek out ways to communicate has Beca standing in silent shock for a long moment. It’s not until she notices Chloe’s shoulders slump a little in disappointment that she’s spurred into action, crossing the room in an instant to look at the screen. Chloe has pulled up a blank document, and Beca is intrigued at the idea. She’d never thought about typing something up for Chloe to find, but it definitely is a lot easier to make words appear in a program already designed for that then to make them audibly cross a divide between planes of existence.

_I can type, but that doesn’t mean it’s easier than speaking_. Beca quickly types, before realizing how that might come across. _Easier for me to manage, but finding the right words is hard no matter what format I try._ She’s just thankful that she doesn’t have to actually type the words, her typing skills left a lot to be desired as a human, and focusing enough to hit each key in the proper order would definitely not help the situation at all. But all she has to do is feel the energy of the program itself, different than the energy from humans or nature but still energy, and think what she wants it to do. It’s designed to make words appear on the screen, she’s just giving it a different input.

She watches Chloe read what she’s typed with a fair amount of nervousness, waiting for a response with no idea what it might be. “So, does that mean you’re the strong, silent type?” she finally asks almost slyly, shocking a laugh out of Beca that’s clearly audible to the redhead, if unexpected based on the way she jumps. “Geeze, I didn’t realize you were right there” Chloe says as she calms, hand over her heart.

_I’m typing on your laptop, where else would I be?_ Beca asks rhetorically, smiling as Chloe’s eyes narrow. _And no, not exactly. Silent maybe, but strength is overrated. Who wants to spend hours in the gym every day when there’s so much else you could be doing?_ It’s a risky comment, Beca has been dragged to the gym behind Chloe at least a few times each week since she’d anchored to her, but she’s hoping the redhead will be able to tell she’s joking. It’s harder than she’d thought to communicate through typing, there’s no way to tell how something is meant to come across without vocal cues.

“Excuse you, have you _seen_ this?” Chloe says with a gesture at her pajama clad body, tank top and shorts leaving little to the imagination. And Beca can tell she’s playing along, obviously realizes that Beca had been teasing as well, but now Beca is remembering that she has definitely seen it. And that’s embarrassing, too embarrassing to admit, so she loses her connection with the typing program, thankfully before having it type something that she’ll regret.

Her silence seems to puzzle Chloe for a second before her blue eyes narrow, and Beca fumbles to reconnect to the typing program, certain she’ll need to explain herself very soon. “Wait a second, I was singing in the shower a few weeks ago, and I heard you, didn’t I? How long have you been following me?” There isn’t much accusation in Chloe’s tone, which is reassuring, but it’s clear that she’s figured enough out to want answers.

_Yes, that was me_. Beca admits before stopping to think. She can’t explain drifting and anchoring very well, can’t capture the sensations that come with the drifting, or the need for a connection to the world. _And that was the first time I saw you, that’s why I said it was an accident_. She tries to explain drifting, but ends up rambling and confusing herself, so she’s sure Chloe has no idea what she’s talking about.

“So if it was an accident, why are you still here?” Chloe asks after she’s thought about the mess of words Beca has left on her screen, looking up and around as if she’ll be able to see Beca somehow. “I mean, why didn’t you just” Chloe glances at the screen and the explanation after a slight hesitation, seeming to want to get the right terminology, “find a new place to anchor, why are you still anchored to me?”

_I couldn’t release at first_ Beca explains _. I’d drifted too long, lost too much energy. Releasing would have been dangerous, I could have faded._ She sees the question in Chloe’s eyes at that, but explaining everything about being a ghost would take too long, so she doesn’t explain. Thankfully Chloe seems to understand, watching for the rest of the explanation without interrupting. _And by the time I was strong enough, I wanted to wait until I figured out how to talk to you, make sure you understood what had been going on, that I didn’t mean to scare you._

“Well, you are officially the nicest ghost I’ve ever met” Chloe says with a laugh. “So, thank you for that, I guess. I’ll admit that the past few weeks have been a little weird, trying to figure out what was going on and whether I’d been imagining things.”

_You weren’t_ Beca reassures her, surprised at how well the redhead is taking all of this. She’d been expecting a lot more fear, not an almost unconditional acceptance of her presence. And Chloe doesn’t seem to mind even that she’d seen her in the shower, a fact that definitely surprises Beca. If their positions were switched, she would have a lot bigger issue with that part than the whole ghost thing.

“Oh you know, I’m pretty confident about all this” Chloe says when she asks. “Besides, if it was an accident and I helped save you from something, then there’s nothing to be upset at. You don’t watch me now, do you?”

_Nope. I can move a fair distance away from you without problem now that most of my strength is back. So if you have someone over or need to shower, I gave you your privacy_. Beca hadn’t expected the flash of pain that crossed Chloe’s face at the mention of having someone over, though she should have. Chloe had only broken up with her boyfriend the night before, and even if he’d ended up being a tool, she’d obviously felt a lot for the man she thought he’d been.

“Thanks for that” Chloe says, carefully keeping any trace of that pain from her voice. But you can’t hide something like that from your energy field, or someone who can see that field. Her brightness dims for a second, and Beca can’t stop herself from reaching out, placing a hand on Chloe’s shoulder before she thinks about it. It’s not something she’d ever done while alive, let alone after her death, but somehow it feels right now.

It’s clear that Chloe feels her touch from the way she stiffens, reaching up with one hand to touch her shoulder where Beca’s hand rests. She doesn’t say anything though, just stands there with her eyes closed, hand on her own shoulder so that Beca’s hand is actually partially inside hers, not seeming to mind.

“You’re so sad” Chloe eventually whispers, and Beca snatches her hand back as if burned. She hadn’t realized that touching Chloe would have that effect, give the redhead an insight into what she’s feeling. The sudden movement startles Chloe, making her jump and turn in surprise. “I’m sorry” she says eventually, looking around the room for any trace of Beca’s presence. “I could just feel how much sadness you’re carrying around with you, how much regret. Is being a ghost really that bad?”

Beca has no idea how to answer that, no idea what to say to that. It’s a question she’s never asked, never let herself dwell on it. She just endures, drifts occasionally, tries to see the world that she can’t bring herself to let go of. She’d chosen this existence, but how can she explain it?

_My name is Beca._

That’s all she types in answer before she leaves, finding the farthest point she can reach without releasing her anchor. She’ll answer Chloe eventually, but not until she can face the answers it will bring. Not until she’s ready for that pain.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mild descriptions of death in this chapter, but nothing detailed or gory.

She’s not entirely sure why she didn’t just leave Chloe completely, release the anchor point and drift somewhere else. Obviously Barden holds nothing but pain for her, so why would she willingly choose to stick around? Now that she can communicate, she can tell her father she forgives him, she’s managed to tell Chloe she didn’t mean to scare her over the past few weeks and apologize for it, so what could still be holding her here?

It’s not until later that night when Beca heads back to Chloe’s side that she realizes she’s started to see Chloe as a friend, especially after being able to talk to her. Conversation with someone who is still alive is somehow different than talking to ghosts had been, and Beca hadn’t realized how much she’d missed that until talking to the redhead. Most of the ghosts she’d met over the past months had been focused on their own interactions with the world, and hadn’t had much interest in conversation, other than to tell Beca how weird she was or explain a ghostly subject out of some sense of duty or another.

But Chloe, Chloe wanted to know about her, about her situation. She’d wanted to have a conversation, and Beca had been the one to cut it short. She’d had good reason, she thinks, but it had still been her that ended the talk.

By the time she gets back to the redhead’s side Chloe is asleep, curled tightly into a ball as if protecting herself from something. It’s not a way Beca has seen her sleep before, and suddenly the ghost is worried she’d hurt Chloe somehow by leaving. She’d never been good at connecting with people as a human, why should she be any better as a ghost?

She’s nearly worked herself into a panic by the time she notices a note carefully propped up on the desk next to Chloe’s still open laptop, their earlier conversation still on the screen. It’s in Chloe’s handwriting, Beca has been dragged to enough of the redhead’s classes to recognize that easily, and she quickly skims it half expecting it to be Chloe’s way of telling her to leave without having to talk to her. But once she gets through the first few lines though she has to stop and reread, certain she’s misunderstood.

_Beca, I just wanted to say I’m sorry for upsetting you, I never would have added to your sadness intentionally. I wasn’t thinking, and I should have been. Obviously it’s a big deal to you and I didn’t respect that. I hope you can forgive me, but I totally understand if you want to anchor somewhere else, somewhere without strange women who ask the wrong questions at the wrong time. But if you don’t want to leave, or still can’t for whatever reason, then I promise I’ll leave you alone and not ask any more stupid questions. You really are the nicest ghost I’ve ever met, and if you want to stick around, you’re more than welcome to for as long as you want._

Well, shit. As usual, Beca had been an ass and someone else gets hurt. This time she’s managed to make Chloe feel guilty for everything that’s entirely Beca’s fault, a singularly impressive achievement even for her. Usually she just manages to treat people like shit and hurt their feelings, this is probably the first time she’s made someone feel like they’re the one at fault.

And that seems to solidify something for Beca, something in her responding to the pain evident in Chloe’s words that she hasn’t felt before. She can’t leave now, not after making the redhead feel like this, not when it’s her fault. She has to make this better. If Beca knows nothing else about right and wrong, she knows that much. Knows Chloe deserves that and more.

So with a sigh and a look at the still open word document Beca sits down, knowing the completely unnecessary position will help with her concentration. She doesn’t need to sit, can float in any position she wants with no regard to gravity, but something about taking up a position at a computer focuses her mind. And she’ll need that focus if she wants to get this out in a coherent manner.

Even without the need to actually type anything out it takes Beca hours to get her thoughts onto the screen, and she has more than a few times that she debates deleting it all and forgetting the whole thing. She’s not even telling Chloe about her death, about the emotions surrounding it that she still can’t face. She’s just explaining her current existence, what she’s learned as a ghost, what she can do and what she can’t. She mentions her father, the emotions there that keep her tied to the campus, but doesn’t mention his name or the fact he’s a professor here.

She even mentions her growing feelings for Chloe herself, though she debates that part heavily, and eventually tends towards being overly cautious in how she phrases things. She hadn’t been aware of what exactly she’s feeling for the redhead until she sat down to start explaining herself, so why should she confuse Chloe, or scare her off? After all, Chloe had only become aware of her existence the night before, knowing that the ghost haunting you is starting to fall in love with you is probably a bit much this soon after something like that.

Not to mention the sheer impossibility of the situation. Chloe is a human, still mortal and wholly alive. Beca is a ghost, now eternal and unchanging. And boy does she wish she’d worked that part out before accepting the offer to remain. The thought of her spirit _enduring_ for years and even centuries is almost too much to handle. She’d seized on the chance to remain on Earth at the time, not ready to let go of her life so soon after it was cut short, but this isn’t life. By definition it’s the opposite of life.

Before she can get too caught up in the melancholy of that thought Chloe is stirring into wakefulness, and Beca springs up from the chair almost instinctively, not noticing that she’s still focused on interacting with the world. So of course she knocks the chair over, startling Chloe fully awake and making her sit up in fear.

Thankfully the fear fades from her eyes quickly, though Beca can tell it takes longer to convince her heart to stop racing. “You know, if you want to wake me up, there are easier ways to do it” Chloe says with an attempt at a laugh.

“Sorry” Beca focuses on saying, not wanting to leave that apology to words on a screen. Not when she’s sorry for so much more than the chair. She’d say all that if she could, but there are no words springing to mind, no perfect phrases to capture the depths of her apology. Not when she still has to save her strength if she wants to say more than a few sentences. No, the rest of the apology will have to come from the paragraphs she’s left on Chloe’s computer, not verbally from her.

Chloe crosses to the laptop as if she knew Beca would give her some kind of explanation or apology, but Beca can tell she’s surprised at just how much Beca has written. Even with everything the ghost had left out, she’d still rambled on for hours, writing and rewriting her explanation as she tried to focus her thoughts and figure out exactly what she’s feeling.

At least the redhead reads in silence, not interrupting her reading to ask the questions Beca can see spring to her mind. And Beca will answer them if she can, had mentioned several times throughout what she’d written that she doesn’t mind the questions, that she’d been taken by surprise and wasn’t sure how to answer. That she doesn’t know when she’ll be able to answer some of the things Chloe might ask, but that she won’t run away again. That she’d made a mistake by running.

Once Chloe finishes reading she looks around for a second as if searching for Beca before turning back to the laptop and rereading everything Beca had written, this time slower, as if she’s studying each line or searching for hidden meaning. The look of concentration on her face is so intent that Beca wouldn’t be surprised if she printed out the ramblings and started highlighting key points, the way she does with her class notes.

“Just so you know, I consider you a friend now too” Chloe finally says after a third read through, and that wasn’t at all what Beca had been expecting to hear. She knows her ramblings on that matter were more confusing even than the rest of what she’d said, but Chloe seems to have seen right through the vague half statements to what Beca was actually saying. She just hopes the redhead didn’t see more than that, didn’t find any hint of Beca’s growing feelings in the rambling mess of words.

In the absence of anything to say to that Beca settles for dropping the temperature near the window, knowing Chloe sees when the bright blue eyes snap towards the condensation. And the smile on her face makes Beca actually believe that Chloe means what she’d said, that somehow this woman is actually happy to be friends with a dead girl who started haunting her by accident while she was showering.

And to Beca’s surprise that smile seems to give her more energy than any reaction she’s gotten before, replacing any strength she’s lost over the past days and then some. It’s enough that she thinks she could talk for hours as long as Chloe kept smiling at her like that, but she settles for writing ‘friends’ in the condensation on the window, trying not to laugh at the surprised look on Chloe’s face. It’s cliché and a little ridiculous, but even after only a few weeks she knows Chloe will love it. And if the redhead can never love her, then at least she can love the gestures Beca can give.

“Oh yeah, you’re definitely the nicest ghost I’ve ever met” the redhead laughs eventually, and Beca knows she’d been right. She still feels ridiculous doing something like this, can see no reason why being a ghost would make her somehow okay with cheesy over the top gestures that aren’t even romantic. But she is, and she thinks maybe that has nothing to do with being a ghost, and everything to do with being around Chloe.

“That’s because most ghosts probably just wanted to get a quick reaction as you passed where they were anchored” Beca says, the energy from that laugh enough for her to forget momentarily that talking will take a lot of strength. She has it to spare now, as long as she isn’t stupid about how she uses it, and talking to Chloe is so much more fulfilling than making a laptop type a few words.

“Wait, you mean I probably have met ghosts before?” Chloe says in surprise, and Beca realizes she’d been joking each time she said something like that. “Are there a lot of ghosts around? Why don’t they talk to people more?” She seems to realize she’s asking questions again, and looks apologetic as she stops talking.

Beca doesn’t want her to be sorry for asking questions, especially ones that she can answer easily like those, so before Chloe can start to apologize for real answers them. “There are a fair number, but not as many as you might think. It’s not like every house or building is haunted, maybe not even every city or town. Probably most of them though.” Without Chloe’s smile or laugh giving off energy Beca can’t manage to say more than that, though she’s already starting to feel more confident with talking aloud, as if soon it will be second nature, only a little harder than altering the temperature around her.

“So you think I’ve met a ghost then, or not?” Chloe asks, looking around as if searching for some sign of Beca’s presence when the ghost doesn’t answer, before apparently remembering that speech is harder than typing and turning to the laptop, where Beca had just finished her explanation.

_If you went to a big high school, you probably did. Definitely did if there was one room that never got warm, no matter how hot the rest of the school was. High schools tend to be familiar territory for a lot of us, and if a ghost doesn’t want to travel like I did, they might stick around there. Plenty of interaction without the need to face a wider world than you’d imagined could exist._

“Are all ghosts young then?” Chloe asks hesitantly, as if afraid she’s asking too much, or getting too close to sensitive topics. And she is, to a degree, but as long as she doesn’t ask for specifics about Beca, the ghost thinks she’ll be okay.

_Not all of us, but it seems common. Most of the time when you die you just move on, but if you die before your time, you get a choice. You can go on to whatever it is that comes next, and no I don’t have any idea what that is before you ask, or you can stay. It’s not a temporary thing though, where you stay here until you would have died, it’s permanent._

She doesn’t say more than that, doesn’t talk about how she wishes she’d realized that before making her choice, doesn’t mention the ghost that had met her as she tried to understand what had happened to her. She’s not ready to talk about that, about how he’d made being a ghost seem like the universe’s way to make up for a shitty situation. About how she’s started to think he was full of it, with no clue what he was talking about. She’s here, not wherever beyond is, and she’ll deal with that. What ifs have no place in that. Chloe doesn’t ask what ‘before your time’ means, and Beca is grateful for that. It can mean a few things, but she isn’t ready for Chloe to ask which happened to her, whether she voices the question or not.

“No wonder you’re sad” Chloe mumbles in what would be an inaudible tone if not for the fact that Beca’s sense of hearing is literally not human. And it shocks Beca for a second, because she’d never let herself think about it that way. She’d never seen things the way Chloe obviously does, never realized that maybe the emotions she’s dealing with are her mourning for what she’ll never get a chance to do with her life. Not that she’s let herself think about those emotions at all, but it still feels like something she should have realized sooner.

 _I_ _was 18,_ she finds herself typing, not sure why she’s sharing this with Chloe, why she’s sharing it with anyone. She hasn’t even shared it with the ghosts who have far more tragic stories than her own, and now she’s staring the conversation she’d almost sworn she’d never have, the one she’d _just_ been grateful Chloe didn’t ask for, before Chloe can bring it up herself _. I was about to graduate high school in the spring, and my dad was still trying to convince me to come to Barden for college. I’d just decided to give in, but needed a walk to clear my head before I actually let him know he’d won that fight. The roads were icy, and I knew I shouldn’t have been walking on them, especially not without wearing something bright, but I was stubborn and bright isn’t really my thing. The guy slid on a curve, overcompensated trying to regain control. Never saw me, and I never saw him coming. Next thing I knew I was being offered the choice, to move on or stay here._

She can’t continue after that, knows without looking that the window will be covered in condensation, if not completely frosted over. Chloe is shivering in her chair as she reads, and Beca struggles to get her emotions under control before she gives the woman hypothermia. She’s not sure why the redhead hasn’t at least gotten up to grab a blanket or heavier clothing, but she feels guilty at the thought she’s causing more discomfort for her. Especially when she hadn’t asked, hadn’t volunteered for the outpouring of emotion that comes with hearing how someone died.

When Chloe shivers again Beca makes up her mind, and by focusing intently manages to grab a blanket from Chloe’s bed to wrap around her shoulders, wincing as the redhead flinches in surprise. Moving something that big more than an inch or two is harder than she’d thought it would be, harder even than speaking with Chloe, but she counts it as energy well spent when the redhead gratefully wraps the blanket around herself with a smile.

“Beca, I don’t know what to say” Chloe starts awkwardly, and Beca can tell she’s fighting to hold back tears. She hadn’t meant to make the redhead feel sorry for her, hadn’t intended to make the morning this emotional. But before she can answer there’s a knock at the door, and Chloe is carefully wiping away the traces of tears that have managed to escape, apologizing to Beca as she crosses to answer the door.

Beca debates leaving the room so Chloe can have her privacy, but after moving the blanket she’s too tired to go very far, and she wants to be sure it isn’t the guy from last night back to mess with more of Chloe’s emotions. She’s made Chloe sad enough today, she won’t leave her to face something like that alone.

But it’s not him, not a guy at all, and Beca has to think for a minute before recognizing the blonde as Aubrey, Chloe’s best friend and leader of her a capella group. She’s seen her a few times, but the blonde’s intensity had been almost overwhelming each time and she’d usually headed to another room to scare a frat boy or two rather than stick around.

This time Aubrey is focused on Chloe though, and Beca can’t help a grudging acceptance of that intensity when it’s dedicated to helping the redhead. She’s quickly becoming protective of Chloe and her feelings, and if Aubrey can help then Beca is all for that. The blonde has known Chloe for years, far longer than Beca has, and should be able to help far more than Beca could.

“Oh Chloe, he isn’t worth crying over” are the first words out of Aubrey’s mouth, and Beca can see Chloe stiffen a little at the reminder of the betrayal she’d been through. The blonde can clearly tell that Chloe had been near tears only minutes ago, despite her attempt to remove the evidence and pretend everything was fine, and come to the logical conclusion that it had to do with the breakup. “I would have been here sooner, but my father was in town for a visit and I couldn’t get away.”

“No, I know that Bree, don’t worry” Chloe says after a minute, tossing a look over her shoulder towards the window as if trying to see if Beca is still in the room, and the ghost debates for a second before fogging the window slightly, just enough for Chloe to notice. It’s the easiest way to communicate her presence, and they both seem to have decided on using it as a signal. Beca thinks they might have to agree on a few more if she’s going to stick around very long, talking is obvious and so would reading words appearing on screen on their own, but a fogged window is lacking any kind of nuance other than ‘there’s a ghost here’.

“Do I need to go get the breakup kit?” Aubrey asks after a long hug, pulling back to look in Chloe’s eyes as if making sure she’s okay. “Your voicemail yesterday sounded like you were fine with what happened, but I can’t blame you for being upset. I didn’t expect to see you crying though, so I didn’t come prepared.”

“No, I’m okay” Chloe answers quickly, obviously too quickly from the way Aubrey’s eyes narrow. The redhead spots it too, moving a hand to Aubrey’s knee to keep her from getting up. “Aubrey, the tears weren’t about him, I promise. He’s an ass, and I don’t care anymore.”

“If it’s not about the breakup, then what is it about?” Aubrey asks in clear puzzlement, and Beca wishes she knew what Chloe is likely to say in answer to that. Because she’s not really strong enough to do much to prove her existence to Aubrey right now, and isn’t sure she wants to in any case. But she also doesn’t want the blonde to have Chloe locked up somewhere because they think she’s hallucinating, doesn’t want her hurt because of Beca’s presence.

“Just, just a sad story” Chloe says with a shrug and another look towards the window, and Beca lets out a sigh of relief. “I promise, I’m fine. No breakup kit needed. I’m glad you’re here though.” Beca would be lying if she said she wasn’t jealous when Chloe leans over to hug her friend, suddenly aware of another benefit of being alive that she hadn’t consciously realized before.

“Where else would I be?” Aubrey asks rhetorically, and Beca is suddenly willing to forgive the blonde for almost anything as long as she’s there for Chloe like this. The two women sit in a comfortable silence for a long while as they each get lost in their own thoughts. Aubrey stares off into the distance with unfocused eyes, but Chloe keeps her eyes on the window, and Beca occasionally drops the temperature around her so it fogs up. Chloe smiles every time she does, and somehow that smile gives Beca energy all out of proportion to the small interaction that is fogging a window.

Best not to think about why that might be right now though, not if she wants to avoid giving her presence away. Chloe is obviously in no hurry to tell Aubrey what’s going on, and Beca thinks that’s probably the best plan, especially if Beca agrees. After all, the redhead is far more likely to know what her friend’s reaction to a ghost would be. After all, just because Chloe is somehow okay with knowing the spirit of a dead girl is hanging around, that doesn’t mean anyone else would be, and Beca has no interest in dealing with a human freaking out over her presence.

“So, auditions are tomorrow” Aubrey finally says, breaking the silence and startling Chloe. Beca has to laugh a little at the sight of the redhead jumping when her friend talks, she finds it funny that the redhead has been so absorbed staring at empty space. “Are you sure we can do this, Chloe? Finding eight girls would be hard enough under any circumstances, but now? How can we hope to pull this off?”

“Aubrey, we can totally do this” Chloe says immediately, moving to reassure her friend as Beca again debates whether or not she should leave. Aubrey is never more intense than when she’s discussing the Bellas, and as tired as Beca is she isn’t sure she’s up to that. But Chloe’s certainty and confidence are almost magnetic, and she can’t bring herself to leave. “We might not be able to find eight women who fit the Bella mold, but I’m sure we can find eight women who can sing and follow choreography.”

“But what about the Bella image?” Aubrey says, not quite arguing, and Beca starts to get defensive. She’ll forgive Aubrey a lot after the way she was ready to be there for Chloe, but that doesn’t include arguing. Even in the short time she’s been anchored to Chloe it’s been obvious that the woman doesn’t particularly like confrontation, and Beca doesn’t want Aubrey upsetting her today.

“Which is more important, the Bella image or the Bella sound?” Chloe fires back, not arguing but logically making a point. And Beca can see it land, see Aubrey’s shoulders slump slightly in defeat. “Aubrey, we can do this, we can be awesome. We can find those girls, build a stronger team than the Bellas have seen before, and make it all the way this year.” Beca has noticed it before, but she’s still surprised when Chloe’s aura brightens with every word, the confidence she’s putting into every word showing in the energy surrounding her, and gradually influencing Aubrey’s aura as well, spreading through the duller colors and soothing her insecurities.

Beca is only barely familiar with ghostly abilities, but she wonders if maybe Chloe has some ability of her own, some ability to influence the emotions of those around her. If she’d still been human and hadn’t been able to literally see the energies move she might have thought the redhead was just the kind of person who you can’t help but be happy around and left it at that. But in all her hauntings she’s never seen anything like this, hasn’t seen energy behave this way for anyone else.

“We can do this” Aubrey agrees, sounding more sure of herself now that Chloe has literally given her the energy she needs to feel that way. “Eight women on a campus this size, it can’t be that hard, right?”

“Right” Chloe says with a smile, and Beca knows there’s no way they can do anything but succeed. Not when Chloe looks like that, happy and confident in their abilities and future. Not even the universe itself could deny that smile.


	3. Chapter 3

Beca still feels vaguely protective of Chloe after bringing up the emotional topic of her death the day before, so despite wanting nothing to do with hours of listening to college students try to sing Kelly Clarkson she tags along to auditions. And honestly it isn’t as bad as she’d expected, most of the students that show up can at least carry a tune decently. She’d been afraid when she heard Chloe and Aubrey discuss the song choice that she’d be in for an actual American Idol style day, mostly horrible singers mixed with a few decent ones.

Maybe the fact that it’s for collegiate a capella makes a difference, it definitely at least cuts down on the number of hopefuls that show up. Most of the women aren’t bad, though Beca does notice Aubrey’s frown of concentration often hides a frown of displeasure as well. She doesn’t know why, some of the women that make Aubrey frown the hardest are some of the ones with the best voices, in her opinion.

She barely pays attention to the men that try out, several have decent voices but they’re still here trying out for a capella groups. Since they won’t be getting into the Bellas and therefore will have nothing to do with Chloe, Beca mostly tunes them out. She’s here for one reason and one reason only, to make sure Chloe deals with the pressure of the day without someone making it worse.

They hadn’t had a chance to talk about anything the night before, Chloe had an afternoon class that took a few hours and thoroughly bored Beca. And then Aubrey had claimed the evening for ‘audition prep’ which seemed a bit overzealous to the ghost, considering they weren’t auditioning themselves and would have no idea what to expect until they showed up and heard the auditions. But Aubrey seemed to need it and Chloe went along willingly, so who was Beca to complain?

After all, she has zero claim on Chloe’s time; she’s the one who started haunting the redhead without her knowledge, not the other way around. And even though she now has Chloe’s permission, that doesn’t give her the right to have any say over what the redhead does with her day. It’s not her place at all.

Still, it would have been nice to have a chance to come up with some kind of signal code, given the lack of window to conveniently fog as they sit through the various singers. She can’t do anything without risking startling Chloe in the middle of a group, and she really can’t bring herself to care about any of the others beyond how they make Chloe react.

She does give in to her boredom long enough to mess with the group of boys in the back of the auditorium when they start getting annoying, dropping the temperature around them suddenly so they shiver in their summer clothing, making the few pencils they’d brought drop to the floor and inconveniently out of reach, or occasionally making them think someone had tapped their shoulder.

It’s entertaining in a way scaring the frat boys hadn’t quite managed to be, and Beca thinks it might have something to do with the smug grin Chloe shoots back their way, obviously aware of what’s happening when the complaints become audible from where she sits. It’s clear the boys irritate her as well as Beca, and Aubrey’s earlier reaction left no question how she feels about them. Not that Beca can blame her, between their reaction to the Trebles and their protection of Chloe, the two of them might have more in common than she’d thought.

With Chloe knowing Beca is still around the ghost risks tapping her shoulder as well, wincing a little when the redhead jumps before relaxing at the smile it gets once the surprise passes. _Thanks_ Chloe doodles in the corner of her scrap paper as she fights to keep her smile from being too obvious to the blonde next to her, and Beca feels herself fall a little more.

The feeling almost makes her want to run again, reminds her that willingly sticking around for this emotional torture is ridiculous, probably well beyond the edge of insanity. She has enough drama with the whole being dead thing, why would she want to put herself through this as well?

But she knows that even if she runs she’ll never forget Chloe, never be able to get the redhead out of her mind. She’ll never be able to put the thoughts of her smile behind her. Never be able to let go. It’s more than a ghostly anchor holding her to Chloe’s side now; it’s an emotional anchor as well. And that scares her, more than a ghost should be allowed to be scared.

She wonders occasionally what would have happened had she come to Barden as she’d expected to, as a student and not a memory of the past. From being towed around the campus after Chloe she doesn’t think they’d likely have had many areas of interaction, and she sure as hell wouldn’t have been pulled into the a capella world that takes up so much of the redhead’s free time. Would they have even met at all?

She spends a long while thinking about it, losing track of what’s going on in the world around her as she gets lost in thought, only realizing the auditions are over and everyone has left when her bond with Chloe literally pulls her along in the redhead’s wake. It’s jarring enough to shake the thoughts loose for now, but Beca knows they’ll be back, probably while Chloe is sleeping tonight. After finally realizing just how much Chloe is coming to mean to her, Beca can’t imagine a world where she hadn’t become part of her life. She isn’t sure she wants to.

But those are thoughts for another time, especially if she wants to do more than let herself be towed along after Chloe every time she moves, with no idea what the woman is actually up to. And even if she doesn’t get to be an active participant in anything that happens that doesn’t mean she wants to be pulled along after everything like a dead weight, mindlessly floating wherever she’s dragged.

And she has to admit it; she also doesn’t want Chloe to think she’s left. Not that she’d ever leave without saying goodbye, but at this point Chloe has only known of her existence for three days, so she wouldn’t necessarily know that. And if the redhead looks around for her presence and Beca isn’t there, she might think that Beca had done just that, left her and gone somewhere else, and from what Beca has seen over those three days that might hurt her. And hurting Chloe is the last thing Beca would ever want to do.

So rather than let herself drift lost in thought Beca follows the thread of connection binding her to Chloe until she’s at her side, listening with only vague interest as Aubrey dominates the conversation about which women to extend an invitation to. It’s obvious that Chloe likes most of them, but Aubrey seems reluctant to give up on what she refers to as the “Bella standards” several times during the conversation.

“Bree, we talked about this” Chloe eventually says, patiently and without accusation. It’s still enough to make Aubrey tense but Chloe just waits her out, smiling softly and calmly as she waits for the truth of her statement to sink in. “We can’t go solely based on the old Bella standards anymore, not if we want to _have_ new Bellas. And we heard a lot of women today who can sing, who want to be a part of the Bella tradition. Why shouldn’t we let them?”

Beca can see Aubrey struggle with the idea, not only in her body language but in the roiling colors of her aura, a hopeful blue fighting to be seen through grays of self-doubt and the black of rigid expectations. And if it had been only Aubrey making the decision, there would be no way for that hopefulness to win, not against the amount of negativity she’d have to fight against. But Chloe is full of hope, the color of her aura even brighter than her eyes, something Beca hadn’t thought possible until she’d seen it in front of her. And that hope, that confidence, reaches out to Aubrey’s buried emotions, pulling them to the surface with a sheer magnetism that can’t be denied. Against that force not even Aubrey’s doubts stand a chance, and with a sigh the blonde gives in.

“You’re right” she concedes, reluctance coating each word. Not that it matters to Chloe, who reacts to the victory with completely unfeigned joy as she smiles and immediately starts sorting through the piles of paper they’d been going through. “But that doesn’t mean certain standards get dropped just because we aren’t following the traditional Bella look this year. They’ll have to uphold the Bella code, or they’re out.” Even with Chloe boosting the hopefulness Aubrey feels there’s still a good amount of self-doubt, and the blacks holding her aura in have barely faded at all. It’s clear that she still feels this first concession is one too many, no matter that it’s their only choice.

“Relax Aubrey; I’m sure it’ll be fine. You can give them all the speech at initiation if it makes you feel better. Now let’s look through these again and make the final decisions.” The discussions that follow are incredibly boring for Beca, but at least they’re now in a room with a window, one that Chloe sneaks frequent glances at whenever Aubrey is busy looking over the papers, making Beca glad she’d followed the two of them rather than stay at a distance alone with her thoughts.

She’ll have to promise later that she’ll never leave without saying goodbye though, just in case there’s ever a time she needs to keep her distance for one reason or another. She can’t think of any right now, refuses to let her brain consider the scenarios it tries to come up with where it would be painful to stay in the redhead’s presence, but the time may come and she doesn’t want to upset her new friend.

After Aubrey’s protests that the new hopefuls don’t fit the Bella mold of the past are struck down, the rest of the decision making goes by quickly, fast enough that Beca is only mildly bored while she waits for them to finish. She’d debated practicing a few ghostly skills while they were busy, but she doesn’t want to risk alerting Aubrey to her presence. Especially not in a way that would take any focus off the deliberations, the blonde takes them seriously enough that Beca knows disrupting them would be the worst possible introduction.

But it doesn’t take long to settle on nine women who had auditioned and not been horrible, Chloe voting on accepting everyone who could carry a tune while Aubrey fought to get past her initial reservations. But when Aubrey sets her mind to do something, she usually does it, and this time is no different. After accepting that the Bellas would have to take members that might not be the traditional Bella type in order to continue, she almost ruthlessly pushed away her own misgivings in order to build the best team from what she saw as the limited choices.

And as much as Beca admires that dedication, she finds it hard to keep from judging the blonde just a little bit, because she can’t understand how she doesn’t hear the music from the other women. Beca has always cared more about music than almost anything else, and the talent that those nine women have is clear to anyone who isn’t completely tone deaf. True none of them are quite as polished as Aubrey, but what does that matter in a singing group? They can sing, and Beca thinks that’s all that matters, even if Aubrey obviously struggles to accept that conclusion.

But this is Chloe’s friend, the one who departs for a late class with a tight hug and word of support for the redhead even with the slight conflict of the afternoon. It’s a reminder that Beca has decided to give Aubrey the benefit of the doubt for now, and that she’s grateful someone is around to comfort Chloe. Especially since Beca can’t reach out the way Aubrey can, not without putting the burden of her own emotions on the redhead.

Beca half expects Chloe to go out tonight, find a frat party or something to distract her from the roller coaster of emotions from the past few days, maybe find someone for a more personal distraction for the night. She wouldn’t blame her, after the onslaught of stressful emotions and situations over the past few days she deserves a positive break. And even if Beca knows she’d be jealous and unhappy if Chloe decided on that route, she also knows she has no right to feel that way and would do her best to push it down and ignore it.

Apparently that isn’t what Chloe wants for the night though, because with a quick look around to make sure they’re alone, the redhead quietly asks if she’s okay with heading back to the dorm room to talk. It isn’t anything like what Beca had expected, to be asked what she wants to do, or more specifically whether she’s okay with Chloe’s plan.

And since she’s wanted to talk about a few things with the redhead herself, and since she still feels bad about dumping the emotional load from the story of her death on her without warning, Beca readily agrees to the plan. She’ll talk about anything Chloe wants, especially now that the redhead knows what happened to Beca. She might not know details, but it’s not like the story needs them at this point. And Beca doesn’t think Chloe will ask for them anyway, not at this point. If she does, well then Beca will face that when it happens. It’s not like she has any reason to keep secrets from Chloe, and it’s not like any of the details will be more painful than the general outline had been. She’ll just have to make sure she doesn’t lose control and freeze Chloe again if anything does come up.

Mindful of the fact that people are around neither of them seem particularly interested in communicating at all on the way back, Chloe walking silently with her head down and Beca mimicking the movements next to her. She’s getting better about not needing the motions of walking to feel comfortable moving, but at times like this it’s more habit than anything else, a familiar comfort that helps settle her thoughts.

Not that her thoughts ever actually reach ‘settled’ no matter how much she aims for a little normalcy, there’s just too much swirling through her mind as they walk for that to happen. She can’t stop thinking about what Chloe might want to talk about, whether the redhead has changed her mind about being okay with Beca haunting her, whether she’s somehow picked up on how much Beca has started feeling for her. Beca thinks she’s been fairly discreet, good about hiding her growing emotions, but Chloe has that gift, one that makes it possible she’d been able to tell.

She’s not even sure what had caused Chloe’s abrupt shift in mood, the redhead had seemed perfectly content all afternoon, smiling whenever Beca did something that revealed her presence, cheering Aubrey up with an unfeigned confidence in herself and the future of the Bellas. But now that they’re almost back to the dorm room she seems almost withdrawn from the world around her, not reacting as she normally does, her aura pulled in tight around her as if she’s pulling away from the energies around her, focused totally inward on whatever thoughts she’s having.

It’s not until they’re back in Chloe’s room and she’s settled comfortably on the bed with laptop perched on her lap, new word document open, that Chloe speaks again, still quiet despite the assurance of privacy. “You said before that you were planning on going to Barden this year, right?” she asks, staring at the screen with an odd sort of focus on her face that Beca can’t place. And it feels weird to be here, perched as if she’s sitting on Chloe’s bed for this conversation, rather than at the desk where they’d talked previously.

 _Yeah, it was part of an agreement with my father_ Beca types, debating mentioning more before deciding to stick with just answering Chloe’s questions. That seems like the safest option, at least until she knows where the redhead is going with this.

“So you were going to get the full college experience then, right? Go to class, cram for midterms and finals, make new friends and get involved?” Chloe still seems vaguely troubled, and Beca is starting to get confused, not sure where this is going. Still, if Chloe is asking then Beca will answer, whether she understands or not.

 _That doesn’t really sound like how I planned my time here to go, but at this point I guess I don’t know_ Beca admits, knowing she was more likely to find something music related and focus on it rather than the academics. Grades and classes are her father’s area, not hers, and as bitter as she’d been over giving in to the thought of coming to Barden, she can’t really see her former self attending classes willingly.

“What did you plan then?” Chloe asks after a moment, looking down at her hands rather than the screen as if knowing Beca might need a moment to respond.

 _Probably avoiding classes as much as I could get away with_ Beca says after a moment of thought. _Maybe see if anything music related was hiring around campus, or spend all my time on music of my own. I never was that interested in the college experience, just in making it through_. That’s more of an answer than Beca had intended to give, but it still feels like she’s holding back. She doesn’t know why she’s avoiding telling Chloe who her father is or what the deal was, but she can’t shake the reluctance she feels at the thought.

Chloe seems a little disappointed when she looks up and sees how little Beca has written, and the ghost wishes she could have told her something else, anything else. But there’s not much more she can add about what her plans had been, especially when she’d only just agreed to attend Barden before she died. She just hadn’t had time to think about it before it became a moot point.

“I feel like I’m holding you back from getting at least some of that experience though” comes the quiet whisper, long after Beca had expected Chloe to start talking again. “You stuck around to keep a connection with your old life, and from everything you’ve said I feel like I wouldn’t have been in that life. Would we even have met if you’d lived to come to Barden?”

Of course Chloe would ask the one question Beca can’t get out of her mind, the one question that is most likely to give away Beca’s growing feelings for her. It’s obvious that the same thought had occurred to them both, that there’s just nothing that would have drawn them together without some kind of special circumstance, such as Beca’s death. Given that they would have been on the same campus it’s possible they wouldn’t have missed each other, but Beca can’t think of anything that would have brought them together if she were still alive.

 _You aren’t holding me back from anything_ Beca says eventually, avoiding the last half of what Chloe had said for now. _If anything you’re showing me more about college life than I would have seen otherwise. And even if I probably wouldn’t have sought it out on my own, that doesn’t mean I’m not enjoying it._ She stops there, afraid that saying more will give her away.

“I just couldn’t help thinking earlier that auditions were so much better with you tormenting Bumper, and knowing you were there. Everything has been better knowing you’re around, and I barely know anything about you.” A little of the inscrutable mask Chloe had been wearing has slipped, and she sounds almost lost, as confused as Beca has found herself feeling constantly when she tries to make sense of the situation.

 _What do you want to know?_ Beca asks after a long moment of hesitation, nor sure how she feels about opening up like this. Even before death she rarely let anyone in, had always kept people at a distance to keep from getting hurt. And she can see how opening up now could easily backfire, end up with her losing the one person she’d still call a friend. But it’s the fact that she considers Chloe a friend at all that’s leading her to open up, the redhead deserves to know whatever she wants about the ghost currently following her around.

“I want to know who you are” Chloe says immediately, Beca’s willingness to open up seeming to bring back some of her cheer, aura brightening considerably at those few simple words. “I know you like music, you’ve let that slip a few times, I know you liked teasing Bumper, not that I can blame you, and I know you were going to come to Barden for college. Beyond that, you’re a mystery.”

“Well, I _am_ a ghost” Beca points out with a touch of sarcasm, defaulting back to her main defense mechanism to cover a touch of apprehension at opening up like this. Just a touch though, she doesn’t want to make Chloe think she’s upset at the question. And she says it out loud, knowing that text on a computer screen can be severely lacking in emotional nuance.

But then Beca just starts talking, at first taking care with what she types, how much she reveals about herself. But somewhere along the line she loses that caution, something in her taking advantage of the opportunity to talk about her life in a way that she never has before. It’s bittersweet, but she holds nothing back, tells Chloe all of her regrets as well as her accomplishments. She gets so lost in the retelling that eventually she forgets she’s actually telling someone else, everything in her focused on who she had been.

It’s eye opening, looking back on life once you’re dead. Memories she’d thought long gone are ready to be called back at the merest thought, all the way back to childhood and the innocence that time had held. It’s also bittersweet, knowing that she’ll never be able to reclaim those times; that she’ll never really be able to build new memories in their place. She’s only got one person she can talk to now, and as much as Beca hates to admit it, she knows she won’t be able to follow her around forever.

Beca doesn’t follow any kind of order as she shares her memories, jumping from event to event as they come to her. Chloe doesn’t seem to mind, the redhead is focused intently on the screen as words appear, trying to keep up with what Beca is sharing. Neither is particularly aware of the passing of time, not until Chloe’s phone goes off and startles both of them, sending Beca literally flying off the bed as if she’s been caught doing something she shouldn’t.

“That’s Aubrey, she wants to meet and make plans for hood night tomorrow” Chloe says reluctantly as she reads the text, looking up and around as if she’ll somehow be able to see Beca. “I can tell her not tonight, if you want to keep talking, we’ll have time tomorrow in between classes to plan anything we need.”

Beca hadn’t expected that, would never have thought Chloe would be willing to put off spending time with Aubrey to spend time with her. It’s touching, as well as incredibly confusing, because Beca knows Chloe needs to spend time with the living, not holed up in her room with the spirit of a dead girl. There’s a battle in her head between what’s right and what she wants, but Beca has a lot of practice pretending to be okay when things don’t go her way, so even while her mind argues her answer is immediate.

“No, you’re fine to spend time with her” Beca says aloud, proud of how sincere she sounds. It doesn’t seem to fool Chloe, not completely, but Beca thinks that’s probably to be expected. Keeping anything emotional hidden from the redhead is probably impossible, but that doesn’t mean Beca can’t at least try, right? If she lets herself believe otherwise, she’ll have to face the fact that Chloe will eventually realize how Beca feels about her, and she can’t do that right now. Not when those emotions are so new and almost frightening.

“Well, if you’re sure…” Chloe says uncertainly, looking back down at the computer screen as if some kind of answer will be hidden in the words Beca has already typed. “Are you going to tag along? I don’t think Aubrey would be okay with knowing you’re around, but that doesn’t mean you have to stay away. And I like knowing you’re there.”

“I can tag along” Beca hears herself say, wishing she had a physical body so she could kick herself. Because yes she absolutely wants to be around Chloe even if that means being around Aubrey as well, but she can hear the eagerness in her voice as surely as Chloe can, and she doesn’t want to give that much of herself away right now. Chloe can have her past, but what she’s feeling now is something she’s not willing to share. Not now, and maybe not ever.

Chloe thankfully doesn’t comment on it, letting the tone of voice pass without more than a look around that Beca can’t read before answering the text. “I want you to know that even if I don’t think Aubrey would take finding out about you well, you don’t have to hang around if you feel like I’m ignoring you” she eventually says with a carefully blank tone, and Beca again wonders what’s going on and what Chloe is feeling.

“I haven’t felt like you’re ignoring me so far” Beca says cautiously, wishing she could get some kind of reaction from Chloe other than that careful blankness. Now that she’s talking rather than typing she’s using her energy faster than she’s regaining it, and the lack of reaction other than basic acknowledgement isn’t helping. But Chloe had already closed the laptop and set it aside to get ready, so actually speaking is the only way they have to communicate now.

“If you’re sure” Chloe says again, smiling a little this time as she grabs a light jacket and makes sure she has everything.

“Chloe, you stare at every window you pass waiting for me to fog it so you know I’m still there, I know you’re not ignoring me” Beca says with a small laugh, attempting to deflect the conversation. “Besides, it’ll give me time to recharge.” She’s not exactly lying with that last bit, she does need to regain some of the energy that talking has taken from her, but following Chloe around and staying in the background won’t do much to accomplish that. Still, it’s better than the alternatives, either hoping there’s someone around the two of them but far enough away to avoid disturbing their planning while Beca scares a few people, or anchoring somewhere new for a few hours until they’re done.

“I just wish you didn’t have to be left out of everything” Chloe says, blank look finally fading as she looks sad, and Beca realizes that the redhead has been trying to keep her promise and avoid bringing up anything that might remind Beca of the sadness she still carries around, the sadness that Chloe knows is there even without feeling it. “I mean, when you follow me around, I’m out so much that following me is all you really do, and it seems like it would limit you somehow.”

“Spending time with you is never time wasted” is all Beca has the strength left to say, and from the way her voice drops off at the end of the sentence, she can tell Chloe realizes she’s tired. The redhead knows enough about how being a ghost works to realize just how much energy Beca must have used to talk aloud, and looks guilty for a second as she thinks back to the extended conversation they’ve had since she’d put the laptop away.

She looks ready to apologize, and Beca knows she can’t take that, not when there’s no reason for Chloe to feel guilty. She’d gladly spend the energy twenty times over for the chance to talk to the redhead, no matter how tired she feels afterward. So with a bit of apprehension and an intense focus on keeping her sadness and attraction in check, Beca reaches out to place her hand over Chloe’s, knowing the contact will let the redhead feel her emotions. She just hopes it’s only the ones she wants her to feel.

It seems to work, there’s no sharp inhalation of breath like there was the time before, no furrowed brow that would come from feeling the sadness Beca carries around with her. For a shot in the dark Beca had been sure wouldn’t work, it seems to be going well.

“Thank you” is all Chloe says this time, but her smile is genuine and bright, filling Beca with energy that makes her earlier fatigue a forgotten memory.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the wait, for those of you who don't know I work retail, and my holiday season is still ongoing, or at least holiday recovery is still going on. So I've had limited time to write, and even less energy and motivation. But hopefully the next update won't take as long, even if it might take longer than I'd prefer. I've also finally found an apartment in the last month that adds a decent amount of transit time to my evenings, giving me less time there as well, though it is great for brainstorming.

Beca ends up staying near Chloe not only through the planning session with Aubrey, but through her classes the next day and the hood night party after a strange initiation. She’d even let Chloe convince her to take part in the initiation, making the candles flicker and the new recruits feel a cool wind as they repeated the lines of the Bella oath. The whole thing seems a little ridiculous, but Beca can’t bring herself to deny Chloe anything, especially something as easy as making a few college students shiver and feel that there’s something important about the initiation.

It’s not the introduction to college parties she’d expected, most of the ones she’s crashed over the last month she hasn’t stuck around for, just dropped in to scare a few drunken idiots then headed somewhere else. She’s never actually spent time at one, but this is where Chloe is and so Beca is here too.

She actually manages to have a decent time, given that no one can see her or knows she’s there, and given that that alcohol making the party enjoyable to everyone else is sadly out of reach for her. But watching Chloe enjoy herself is entertainment enough, especially as she makes friends with the new Bellas. She’s so happy to welcome them that even Beca, who has no real stake in the Bellas success or failure, can’t help but smile for them.

The music isn’t bad either, though the few times Beca does leave Chloe’s side it’s to change a song, unwilling to put up with a few of the less inspired choices that start playing. She’d feel guilty about making the student in charge of the tunes think his laptop is broken, but she can’t quite manage after a few of the songs on his playlist. Maybe an unnecessary repair bill will help fix his taste in music.

She sees Chloe smirk every time she changes songs, and can tell without asking that she knows exactly who is behind it. But since she doesn’t seem to care, even nods in appreciation at a few choices, Beca figures she doesn’t mind either Beca’s presence or the musical interference.

Chloe’s smile is really the only thing that keeps the night from slipping into a boring ordeal, every time Beca starts to wish the night was over she’ll see Chloe smile at something, pure enjoyment lighting up her face and the air around her, and suddenly Beca won’t want to be anywhere else. It’s even enough that she grudgingly begins to appreciate the press of people around her, laughing at Fat Amy’s jokes or Cynthia Rose’s blatant ogling, taking pleasure in spilling drinks on Bumper and chasing Trebles away from the new Bellas, having already seen how intense Aubrey gets about anything Bella related and not wanting to face the drama that would come from someone breaking the oath they’d just taken.

She’s glad when the night ends, relieved when Chloe leaves without anyone accompanying her other than Beca. As much as the ghost tells herself that Chloe can do whatever she likes with whoever she likes, she’d been fighting down jealousy every time someone tried to drunkenly come on to the smiling redhead. It doesn’t bode well for the rest of the year, or however long Beca manages to stick around given that she already feels sick at the thought of seeing Chloe happy with someone else, but Beca will deal with that possibility when it comes up. For now, she’ll settle for making sure a tipsy Chloe makes it back to her room safely.

That of course turns into a late night tour of the campus, with Chloe pointing out some of her favorite spots as Beca drifts next to her, trying to pretend she’s more interested in the tour than she is the woman giving it, even though she’s been over every inch of this campus between her visits to her father and the wandering she’d done the first few weeks she’d been here. But Chloe is drunk and emotional, and Beca doesn’t want to upset her by seeming disinterested.

She is glad they’ve managed to come up with a least a few signals to communicate without the need for audible speech on Beca’s part, it makes it easier on her and keeps Chloe from being able to pick up anything from her voice. She can just tap the redhead’s shoulder, once for yes and twice for no, touch her hand to say go on, little things like that. Chloe had insisted on adding one so that Beca could tell her to stop talking, but Beca can’t imagine ever needing that one. No matter what Chloe is saying or whether Beca actually finds it interesting, the sound of her voice is musical, and that’s the one thing Beca has always loved, one of the main things she shares with Chloe.

“So what do you think of the new Bellas?” Chloe asks as they finally turn towards the dorms, slowing her pace to stare up at the stars. “God the sky is beautiful tonight, you can see so many stars” she adds before Beca can remember which signal means ‘good’. The sudden change in topic is enough to startle a laugh from Beca, and since she’s been focused on communicating, it comes out where Chloe can hear it, startling the redhead after the relative silence of their conversation so far.

“Sorry” Beca adds after a quick look to make sure they’re alone, no one close enough to overhear. “Just wasn’t expecting the topic change.” That’s all she has time to say before another group of drunken a capella nerds come stumbling up the path, singing along to one of the songs Beca had skipped at least five times over the course of the party.

Apparently Chloe is sober enough to remember that fact, and stifles a laugh as Beca debates scaring them, obviously knowing Beca well enough already to guess what’s going through her mind without a word being said. A good frightened reaction would more than make up for the energy it had taken to speak to Chloe, even though she doesn’t particularly need it given how short the sentence had been, not when Chloe had been startled by the laugh and then smiled at the apology.

After one of the men in the other group tries and fails to hit one of the higher notes Beca can’t help herself, giving Chloe a ‘be right back’ signal with a soft touch to her forearm before moving to the middle of the singers and dropping the temperature as abruptly as she can manage, trying not to laugh as they shiver, looking around in bewilderment.

Seeing how drunk this group is and deciding they’re not likely to remember much detail of the walk home in the morning, Beca decides to play a few more tricks, making leaves rustle when the wind stops blowing, brushing against arms as they start walking uneasily, and whispering right at the edge of what they can hear, too quiet to be understood. It works better than she’d anticipated, especially the whispers, and before long the entire group is running headlong down the path to get away from her.

With a smug smirk Beca returns to Chloe’s side, noticing that the redhead looks torn between laughter and concern, and immediately starting to worry. “What’s wrong?” she asks immediately, the energy from their reactions more than enough for a full conversation, if that’s what Chloe needs.

“I’ve never actually seen you scare someone like that is all” Chloe says after a moment of thought. “You never scared me, but you terrified those freshmen. And if it hadn’t been so amusing, I don’t know, it might worry me.” Beca can tell Chloe is reluctant to admit that, probably afraid that she’ll somehow offend her. But Beca has to agree, had struggled with the same hesitation when she’d realized that scaring people was the easiest way to keep her energy up.

“I don’t usually like scaring people” she offers, trying to think of how to explain herself without making Chloe regret her presence. “I only went that far because I could tell they won’t remember it well enough to freak out about it when they wake up. And because anyone who sings that song that horribly deserves what they get.” She puts enough humor into her voice to make it clear that she’s teasing, hoping it will put Chloe at ease.

It seems to work, the concern fading from her face to be replaced by laughter, and Beca smiles in relief. “Well good, I’d hate to think you’re only a nice ghost to me” Chloe teases once she finishes laughing.

“Dude no, a ghost has to have morals” Beca says in mock offense, managing to get in the last word before they’re too close to the dorms to continue the conversation. But as Chloe gets ready for bed and Beca prepares for a night alone with her thoughts, she realizes just how much fun she’s had all night, not just at the party but on the walk afterwards.

It makes her realize that what she’d said to Chloe days ago is true, more than she’d realized at the time. Chloe really is a friend, a good and true friend, despite their different states of existence. No matter what other emotions Beca might have for her, they’ve become fast friends, and Beca loves that as much as she is surprised by it. She’s not used to friends at all, and hadn’t expected that to change after death, hadn’t expected there to be any chance.

It’s ridiculous on the surface, a ghost becoming friends with the woman she’s technically haunting, but Beca wouldn’t trade it for anything, not even her life back if it meant not having Chloe in it. And that scares Beca, scares her more than almost anything else ever could. She can face down the thought of eternity, not comfortably but well enough to manage, but the thought of caring this much about another person is entirely foreign to her.

Maybe being a ghost makes all of her emotions more intense, not just the negative ones. It’s the only explanation she can come up with for why she’s so okay sharing her past with Chloe, why she can’t stand the thought of losing her. Because yes the redhead is amazing, so gifted with people that even someone like Beca can’t possibly be immune to that charm, but Beca had always been able to keep from giving in when people tried to get close. But her walls had failed her this time, she’d let Chloe in with barely a moment of hesitation, and damn the consequences.

Even now, standing in Chloe’s room watching the redhead settle into her bed with a soft sigh, Beca feels drawn to the woman, with no good reason or explanation she can think of. She doesn’t need energy, isn’t actively interacting with her, and yet it’s almost an effort to stay on her side of the room, perched in a corner next to Chloe’s laptop in case she gets bored during the night.

It’s not until Chloe slips into sleep with a soft “’night Beca” that she realizes what she’s feeling. It’s nothing to do with Chloe’s energy or aura, and everything to do with a desire to curl up next to her, fall asleep either holding Chloe or in her arms, to share the ordinary experiences that are irrevocably lost to her. It’s not even a desire for romance, not at the heart of the longing at least, though Beca has to admit that there’s more than a bit of that as well. It’s a vague memory of childhood friends and sleepovers, of curling up next to her mother for comfort on lonely nights, of the sheer sense of _connection_ that comes from being so close to someone, from trusting them that much.

That’s the clue Beca needed to solve the various puzzles about why she’s so drawn to Chloe, why she reacts so strongly to Chloe’s moods and emotions. Chloe is the first person to accept her for who she is, in life or in death. And when that’s added to her personality, her sense of humor, and the hundred little things that make Chloe unique, not even walls ten times stronger that Beca’s would have been able to resist giving in.

And with that revelation, Beca’s churning thoughts finally settle into something resembling peace, and she’s able to let go of the almost obsessive focus on finding answers she’s slipped into over the past few days. She isn’t exactly comfortable with the realization, not when it doesn’t come with a reprieve from the emotions it causes, but it’s at least enough of a break that she can shift focus to the various music programs on Chloe’s computer for the rest of the night.

The next few weeks settle into a rhythm after that, with Beca following Chloe to classes that slowly capture her interest, then to Bella practices that don’t, and then back to Chloe’s dorm so the redhead can study and Beca can mix. Chloe had downloaded a few basic mixing programs when she’d woken up to find Beca using two default audio players to mix songs, and Beca had for once been grateful that Chloe can’t see her, because if she’d had a body she knows she’d have been blushing in a highly embarrassing fashion.

It’s comfortable enough to put off any thoughts of the future, though Beca does occasionally wonder what will happen next semester. After all, Chloe is a senior this year, and once she graduates, how can Beca expect her to be okay with a random ghost following her around her entire life? But every time the thought comes up and Beca starts to worry, something Chloe says or does will push it down, letting Beca focus on the moment rather than worry about the future. What might happen isn’t important right now, she tells herself. Chloe has every right to make decisions about her life without worrying about Beca’s involvement, and whatever she decides will be what Beca goes along with.

“I’m going to tell Aubrey” Chloe says one day shortly into her second semester, interrupting the comfortable silence that had fallen between them as she studied and Beca toyed with various music programs. It’s as out of the blue as anything Chloe has ever said or done, and that throws Beca for a second as she tries to understand what Chloe has actually said, because surely it wasn’t what she’d thought she'd heard.

“Tell Aubrey, about me?” she finally asks, needing to hear Chloe confirm what she already knows. But she only gets a nod, Chloe focusing on the blanket in front of her rather than look around for a sign of Beca’s presence like she usually does. “You said she probably wouldn’t be okay with it” Beca says carefully, searching Chloe’s face for any sign of what the redhead is thinking.

“I know, and I still don’t know how she’s going to take it. But she’s my best friend, and I hate hiding something this big from her.” Beca tries to ignore the pang of hurt that comes from how easily Chloe calls Aubrey her best friend, knows she’s being irrational. “I mean, as long as you’re okay with it. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable, and if you don’t want her to know, then I won’t tell her.”

“I just don’t want you to get hurt” Beca says before she can think about what she’s saying, hurrying to explain as soon as she realizes she’d spoken aloud. At least talking is easy for her now, at least talking to Chloe, because she has a feeling this is going to turn into a full conversation. “I mean, what if she doesn’t believe you, or thinks you’re crazy or something? I mean, to most people, hearing voices from nowhere isn’t exactly a good thing.”

“That’s why I was hoping you’d go with me” Chloe says quietly, still staring at her notes. “I mean, you obviously don’t have to, but I thought I could, I don’t know, introduce you two? Maybe if you talk to her, it won’t be as bad.” Chloe’s face is as carefully blank as her tone, but Beca can tell from the shifting colors of her aura just how much she wants this, just how much it’s costing her to keep Beca’s existence a secret from her friend.

“If you want me to talk to her, then I can do that” Beca finally agrees, watching as Chloe’s shoulders lose their tense posture. Even if Chloe wasn’t smiling up at her now, looking around the room to find where exactly she is, that relaxation would have been enough reward for Beca. But when she shifts the chair and Chloe turns that brilliant smile directly on her, the rest of Beca’s misgivings melt away, leaving her not just agreeing to the plan, but completely okay with it, whatever may come.

After all, she’d been prepared to reveal her existence to Aubrey before, shortly after she’d actually begun talking to Chloe, so there’s no good reason for that to have changed now. She trusts Chloe, and if this is something that Chloe needs, then Beca will go along with it.

She was half expecting for Chloe to jump out of bed and track down Aubrey as soon as she had Beca’s agreement, but instead the redhead seems to keep putting it off, making excuses after practices and between classes, until Beca finally threatens to just start talking in the middle of a Bella rehearsal, no matter who’s around to hear. She’s agreed to this, and Chloe had clearly wanted it to happen, so despite her own misgivings Beca doesn’t hesitate to give her that little push, knowing it will work.

It does, Chloe pulling Aubrey aside after practice while the other Bellas leave, grumbling amongst themselves about cardio and the set in a way that makes Beca smirk. She’s on their side, not that she’ll admit that to anyone, still pretending that she’s thoroughly uninterested in a capella and everything to do with it. Everything but Chloe, of course.

“So, what do you want to talk about Chloe?” Aubrey starts, when Chloe has been silent for a long moment, looking around like she’s searching for Beca’s presence, as if hoping for some emotional backup. And Beca is right beside her, but she doesn’t want to jump in just yet, not until Chloe has a chance to explain, without the possibility of Aubrey potentially seeing some sign of her presence and getting creeped out.

“I-um. I wanted to… Look Aubrey, I know this is going to sound weird, and crazy, and like I’m going insane, and maybe I am. But it’s not because of this, so I’m really hoping you’ll let me finish before you freak out. If you do freak out, that is. Which I really hope you don’t, because god would that be awkward.” As amusing as a rambling and nervous Chloe is, Beca can tell Aubrey is starting to get worried, and that won’t help the eventual explanation, so Beca risks a gentle touch to the small of Chloe’s back, out of Aubrey’s sight, holding contact just long enough to see Chloe settle.

“Chloe, what’s going on?” Aubrey asks as Chloe takes a deep calming breath, and now it’s Beca’s turn to tense, knowing what’s coming.

“Aubrey, do you believe in ghosts?” is what Chloe starts with, a direction Beca hadn’t expected her to lead from. Still, maybe it’s the best way, and it’s not like this is Beca’s conversation to run, not yet at least.

“Chloe, you know I don’t believe in ghosts. There is zero scientific proof, and no reason for anyone to believe in them” Aubrey says definitively, looking at Chloe questioningly. “Why would you ask me that?”

“What if someone showed you proof of ghosts? Would you be okay with that?” Chloe’s hesitation is obvious now, and Aubrey clearly notices, stepping closer to Chloe’s side and reaching for her hand to offer reassurance.

“Hey, Chloe, what’s wrong? Are you okay, did something happen?” Once again Beca is impressed by how well Aubrey is able to put aside her own problems when Chloe needs her, and that makes her a lot more willing to go along with the whole thing. Hopefully when Aubrey sees how important this is to Chloe, it won’t be such a big deal.

“I’m fine, Bree” Chloe says with a shrug, forcing a smile that clearly doesn’t convince the blonde. “I promise, you don’t need to worry about me. I just have to tell you something, and I want you to listen before you make up your mind.”

“I’m your friend, I’m always going to worry when it’s obvious something’s wrong” Aubrey says with a soft laugh, which manages to ease some of the tension in Chloe’s posture. “But it’s clearly important to you, so of course I’ll listen, okay? You can tell me anything.”

“I’m friends with a ghost” Chloe says in a rush, as if wanting to get that out as quickly as possible. “She’s well, technically she’s haunting me, but it’s not like an actual scary haunting situation, she’s just…she’s my friend.” Beca hears the hesitation in Chloe’s voice when she’d started to describe Beca, and wonders at it for a moment before pulling her attention back to Aubrey and her reaction. She can figure out what Chloe was going to say later.

“Chloe, that’s ridiculous” Aubrey finally says, the look of shock on her face fading into one of concern, and the tone of her voice sets Beca on edge. This is important to Chloe, and she’s not going to let anyone belittle that. “Ghosts don’t exist, so how can one be haunting you? It’s probably some freshman playing a prank on you or something.”

“No, Aubrey, it’s not a prank. I know it sounds hard to believe, but ghosts do exist. And she’s been around for months, I’ve gotten to know her pretty well. That’s why I said we’re friends, we’ve talked a lot over those months, and you can’t fake that.” The certainty in Chloe’s voice helps to reassure Beca, at least she’s not backing down and denying Beca’s existence just because Aubrey isn’t taking it well.

“Maybe you should talk to someone” Aubrey starts with a voice full of concern, and Beca can’t take it anymore. She’d been waiting for Chloe to signal her to chime in, but she’s not going to wait if it means Aubrey thinks her friend is going crazy.

“You know, you really should start listening to and _believing_ your best friend” Beca says, fighting to keep as much bite out of her voice as she can. She isn’t entirely successful, but at least she doesn’t sound ready to rip Aubrey’s head off, so she’ll count it as a win.

And she has to admit, seeing the blonde jump in shock and whirling around to find the source of her voice brings her a little thrill of joy, not because she dislikes her at all, but because she’s sat through enough Aubrey rants to enjoy getting the best of her, at least for a second.

“Beca, please.” Chloe says with a sigh, pulling Aubrey back around to face her. “Look, you two are both my friends, so can we all play nice here? Aubrey, this is Beca. She already knows you thanks to following me around, and I thought it was time you met her.”

“Oh my god, you really are being haunted” Aubrey says, looking ready to panic. “I thought you were joking, or someone was playing a joke on you, but there’s actually a ghost here. How are you okay with this?”

“I’m only technically haunting her” Beca says, trying to calm the blonde. “And I don’t like the term, because it’s not like I spend my time creeping her out and yelling ‘boo’ or something.” And okay, so maybe she should have left the explaining to Chloe, because the sound of Beca’s voice is definitely not helping to calm Aubrey. If anything, she looks ready to bolt, with only Chloe’s grip on her hands holding her in place.

“Aubrey, there is nothing to be scared of” Chloe tries, pulling her closer and looking her directly in the eyes. “Beca is not going to hurt us, I swear. She isn’t going to hurt _anyone_. She’s just like you and me.”

“Are you serious right now? She’s dead, how is that _anything_ like us?” That one hurt, and if Beca wasn’t set on following Chloe’s lead with this, she probably would have given up right then and told Aubrey exactly how wrong she is. Then probably followed her for a week or two, just to make sure she couldn’t forget that Beca existed.

“She’d be a freshman at Barden this year if she hadn’t died” Chloe says calmly, and Beca can’t help but be impressed by how matter of fact Chloe can be about the fact that she’s dead. Beca still can’t manage to say those words without hesitating, but they don’t seem to bother Chloe. Aubrey though, Aubrey is definitely bothered by them, not that it stops Chloe from continuing. “She loves music, you should hear what she’s been doing with my laptop and a few programs I got from the web. And she still has feelings, Bree, so please be nice.”

“How do you be nice to a ghost?” Aubrey says, still clearly scared but visibly trying for Chloe’s sake. “How are you okay with talking to her, with all of this? How is she able to talk to us at all?” Beca isn’t sure how much Aubrey actually cares versus how much she cares about Chloe, but it’s at least an improvement.

“For starters, I’m right here and you can talk _to_ me rather than _about_ me” Beca says before Chloe can answer, knowing she probably should’ve waited but slightly annoyed by the way Aubrey seems to be ignoring her presence. “As for how I can talk to you, that’s a lot more complicated, and hard to explain in a way humans can understand.”

“Beca, not helping” Chloe says when Aubrey panics again, the reminder that Beca isn’t technically human anymore pushing her back over the edge and into hyperventilating. “Come on Aubrey, breathe through it, you got this.”

Beca takes the hint and backs off, physically moving away from the two and giving Aubrey some space. It also helps her avoid taking any of the energy Aubrey’s panic is giving off, the primal nature of it as dangerous as the energy from Chloe’s long past anger had been, far more potent than the energy Beca gets from scaring frat boys. And once she realizes that, Beca realizes just how scared Aubrey really is, and can’t help but feel sorry for jumping in before Chloe had a chance to explain. Maybe if she had, Aubrey would have been more prepared for her.

It takes less time than Beca would have expected for Chloe to calm Aubrey down, and it makes her realize just how strong Chloe’s talent with emotions really is. She’s literally glowing to Beca’s sight with concern for her friend, as well as with an unshakeable confidence that helps push down Aubrey’s fears. They aren’t completely gone, but at least Aubrey is willing to talk to her now.

“I’m sorry I was talking about you as if you weren’t here” Aubrey starts awkwardly once Chloe has called Beca back over, somehow sensing that she’d moved away rather than just falling silent. “It was a bit of a shock.”

Beca stays quiet until Chloe nods slightly, not wanting to startle Aubrey now that she’s calming down. “And I’m sorry for startling you, I should have waited for Chloe to explain a little more before jumping in.”

“It wouldn’t have made any difference” Aubrey says with a forced laugh, obviously uncomfortable talking with a ghost even if she does believe now. “I never would have believed Chloe on this one without hearing you, and probably would have made an ass of myself trying to convince her she was wrong while you waited.” Given that Beca had been afraid of that herself, as well as being protective of Chloe, she can’t bring herself to disagree even in word only, not even to smooth the situation. But that doesn’t mean she needs to start a fight over it either, no matter how much everything Aubrey said had gotten to her. Not when all that a fight would end up accomplishing is upsetting Chloe anyway.

“Then I take back my apology” she says lightly, watching as Chloe laughs and Aubrey narrows her eyes, clearly trying to decide whether Beca means it seriously or not. “Now that no one is in danger of being an ass, at least not any more than usual, Chloe wanted me to tag along so you could ask whatever questions you need to convince yourself I’m not some evil spirit or something.”

“I’m pretty sure I said ‘a negative impact on my current focus’ Beca, I know I didn’t call you evil” Chloe interjects, and Beca realizes that the redhead somehow hadn’t caught the fact she was joking. It’s strange, because Chloe always catches that, catches anything with even vague emotional overtones. And that in turn makes Beca realize that she might not have been joking after all, at least not beneath the surface. But that’s a thought for a later time.

“Whatever the phrase, Chloe wants me to answer questions, and I admit that it might make things easier now that you know I’m around. So you know, shoot or whatever.” She hopes Aubrey at least can’t tell how reluctant she is, and wishes she’d phrased it differently when it becomes clear Chloe definitely can tell. She hadn’t exactly told the redhead she didn’t want to answer Aubrey’s questions, or that the only reason she’s willing to is because Chloe does want her to. It’s another conversation that’s best saved for another time. Or never, Beca thinks.

“Why are you haunting Chloe?” comes the first question without any hesitation, and Beca isn’t surprised. Clearly they both have the same priority in this situation, though nothing Beca has seen from Aubrey indicates they have the same reasons for that priority.

“It was an accident at first, then unavoidable for a few weeks, then I wanted to wait until I could explain, then everything just sort of kept going.” Beca knows that isn’t the kind of detail Aubrey wanted, but she can’t really explain everything about anchoring and energy today, even if she did want to. She still isn’t sure Chloe completely understands, doesn’t know how she could. There’s just no way to put the experiences into words without losing something in translation. And to be honest, she doesn’t think telling Aubrey that the first time she met Chloe was in the woman’s shower.

“Aubrey, I gave her permission to follow me around” Chloe says when Aubrey’s eyes narrow; obviously realizing that Beca doesn’t want to explain in depth and Aubrey isn’t reassured by the lack of detail. “Like I said, she would have been a Barden student this year, and following me around gives her as much of that experience as she can get, given the situation.”

Aubrey’s eyes are still narrowed in thought, and Beca can tell the woman has figured out that the ‘college experience’ has little to do with Beca’s decision to stick around. And if the blonde had known her better at all, Beca would have been relatively fine with that assumption. Hell, she’s sure Chloe has figured it out by now, even if they both pretend that it’s just the experience keeping her around. But given that Aubrey had only learned of her existence thirty minutes ago, she isn’t sure what reasoning is leading her to the conclusion, and whether it puts Beca in a positive or negative light. But given her earlier reaction to learning ghosts exists, Beca isn’t holding out much hope.

“As to why I follow her around at all, I kind of have to” Beca adds before Aubrey has a chance to ask the next question, already knowing what’s coming. “I have to connect to the world, and interact with it in order to continue to exist. It doesn’t have to be Chloe, but she’s okay with it, and you know, it’s like hanging out with a friend.”

“It _is_ hanging out with a friend” Chloe says firmly, pulling Aubrey close into her side and draping an arm over her shoulder as she looks towards where Beca’s voice is coming from with a determined and almost defiant look on her face. “It’s just like hanging out with you, Aubrey. Except the way Beca explained it to me, since she’s tied to me at least for now, there’s a limit to how far from me she can move, so she doesn’t go back to her dorm at the end of the night. And I can’t paint her nails and steal her ice cream after saying I didn’t want any.”

Beca’s glad that Chloe trails off into silence rather than continuing to list things they can’t do together, even the few things she’d mentioned were enough to make Beca feel bitter about the whole situation. And she thinks maybe Chloe feels the same way, because there had definitely been a note of sadness in the redhead’s voice beneath the cheerful insistence that Beca is a friend like any other, as if she was forcing at least some of that cheer.

“Look, if you want to talk to Chloe without me right here, I can give you two some privacy” Beca says when the silence stretches on, Aubrey clearly thinking and Chloe nervously waiting for a response. “Chloe knows how to let me know it’s okay to come back, and if you want to talk to her without worrying about how I’ll react to something, that’s cool with me.” She’s not as okay with the idea as she tries to sound, even though she’s now fairly certain Aubrey won’t try to convince Chloe she’s crazy and needs medication or something. She’s still worried that Aubrey will be totally against her continued presence, and if she knows Beca isn’t nearby might try to convince Chloe to make her leave. But it’s always been Chloe’s choice, and Aubrey has been her friend for a lot longer than Beca has. So if Chloe listens to her and decides she wants Beca gone, then that’s what will happen. No matter how sick the thought makes Beca feel.

“Actually, I think I want to talk to you, without Chloe.”


	5. Chapter 5

Of all the possible reactions from Aubrey, Beca has to admit she hadn’t seen ‘leave me alone with the ghost’ coming. Especially not when she can still see flashes of fear in her aura and face, not quite soothed by Chloe’s calming influence. It’s clear that Aubrey still isn’t comfortable with the thought of ghosts existing, but equally obvious to Beca is her determination, the same drive that fuels every aspect of Aubrey’s life. She’s got her mind set on doing this, and isn’t going to let a little thing like fear get in the way.

Apparently Chloe can tell that just as well as Beca, because she doesn’t even hesitate before she’s nodding and asking Beca if that’s okay with her. And really, what choice does Beca have? She doesn’t particularly want to face Aubrey alone, but she knows how important this is to Chloe. So of course she agrees, though she doesn’t say anything else while Chloe leaves, the redhead shooting one last glance over her shoulder as the door closes. She doesn’t want to give away her own trepidation, not to Chloe and definitely not to Aubrey. Besides, Aubrey is the one who wants to talk to her, and so Aubrey can be the one who starts the conversation.

“Are you still here?” Aubrey asks eventually, a slight tremor in her voice now that Chloe’s calming influence is gone. Even with the tremor she’s remarkably calm, and Beca’s surprised at how well she’s doing. The calm is all on the surface, but it’s still a remarkable feat of bravery, and despite her ingrained tendency for sarcastic responses, Beca tries to honor that bravery by keeping any attitude out of her voice.

“I’m right here” she says from a few feet away, far enough to keep the energy of Aubrey’s fear from reaching her, but close enough that she doesn’t have to put any extra effort into making sure Aubrey can hear her. Without Chloe and the energy from her reactions, this is going to be a lot more difficult. At least she’s strong enough now, has gotten enough practice over the last few months that it’s even possible to have this conversation, because ducking out on Aubrey in midsentence probably wouldn’t go over that well. “Chloe wanted me to talk to you so you could be okay with everything, so I’m here until you’ve asked all your questions. Or until I’m out of energy. You know, whichever comes first.”  
Even with all the practice speaking over the last few months, Beca can’t help wincing as she starts to ramble, if she takes three sentences to say everything she needs to say for every question, she’s going to be out of energy well before Aubrey is out of questions.

“Why do you care so much about what Chloe wants?” Aubrey asks after a long second of thinking that over, some of her fear subsiding as she focuses on the puzzle rather than the fact she’s talking to a ghost. “It’s fairly obvious you don’t want to be here any more than I do, so why are you here, talking to me?”

Beca has to hand it to the woman, as annoying as she can be, and as much as Beca tends to find her intensity overwhelming, she has a knack for seeing through a situation to the root. They could probably have danced around that question for hours without Beca willingly offering any insight, but now Aubrey has asked her directly, cutting short any attempt Beca could come up with to stall.

Not that she knows how to answer, when it comes right down to it. She knows why, knows that keeping Chloe happy has become the main focus of her days. She can’t even begin to pretend she doesn’t, even if she doesn’t know how to actually say it out loud.

“I owe her” is what she ends up saying, knowing that it’s as close to the whole story as she can come without more prodding. “She saved me, even if she didn’t know it at the time, and after she did know, she still welcomed me. She uh, she made the whole situation seem normal.” There’s so much understatement and unspoken detail that it almost isn’t the truth, almost more an excuse.

“She does tend to have that effect on people” Aubrey says with a small laugh that sounds unforced, and the fear in her face eases a bit more. “I just don’t want to see her get hurt.” That last was said without the laugh; threat clear in her voice despite the absurdity of someone threatening a ghost.

While there _are_ ways to get rid of a spirit or at least force them away from you, most of the secrets are just that, secret. There’s almost no way Aubrey could know them, or get close enough to use them effectively. The only person who could remove her current anchor would be Chloe, unless Beca removes it herself, and as far as Beca is able to move from the redhead’s side, most of the methods of making her leave an area would be ineffective. There’s just no way for Aubrey to know where she is at any given time to even have a chance to make them work well enough to force Beca into releasing her anchor and leaving.

Still, the reason Aubrey is threatening her is valid, even if the threat itself is empty. “I don’t want to see her get hurt either” Beca admits without the reluctance such a concession would normally cause her. “It’s more than the fact that I owe her, we both know Chloe doesn’t deserve to be hurt. She’s been my friend, and I want to do right by that.” That’s more of the truth than she’d given earlier, but this time there’s less reluctance towards opening up. She’s not ready to tell Aubrey everything, especially things she hasn’t even told Chloe, but they see to have reached some common ground that makes the situation that much easier.

“Do you know she’s in love with you?” Aubrey asks after a moment of awkward silence during which Beca had debated how best to end the conversation without brushing the blonde’s concerns off. The question comes out of nowhere, bringing up possibilities and thoughts that Beca had refused to consider before this.

Even with Aubrey no longer giving her the option of avoidance, Beca has no idea how to address the question or the issue itself. Every reason she has for hiding her feelings only grows more immediate if Chloe somehow feels the same way. Which really, how could she? She’s never even seen Beca, has only ever known her as ‘the ghost who follows me around’ and nothing more. Beca has at least seen how Chloe looks when she wakes up in the morning, the sparkle in her eyes when she gets excited about something, the crease of her brow when she focuses on schoolwork. She’s seen anger bring a flush to her cheeks as she stands her ground, seen tears threaten to fall for herself and others. She’s seen the whole picture of who Chloe is, in a way that the redhead will never be able to experience with her.

And it isn’t fair to hold her back from the chance to find someone she can share that with.

That doesn’t mean she can admit that, any more than she can admit her own feelings. The situation is impossible, a cruel joke from the universe, and that’s all there is to it. “I take it you didn’t know” Aubrey says when Beca doesn’t reply, not bothering to ask if Beca is still there. If the way she’s gripping her arms close to herself, she can already tell, and Beca is surprised to find she’s affecting the temperature around her without realizing. “You love her too, don’t you? That’s why you’re still around.”

“I-No, of course not” Beca tries, knowing that Aubrey will hear the lie in her voice as easily as Chloe would. “That’s like, totally ridiculous. It would never work, in like a million years. And I’m the only one who would be around then, so it’s double impossible.”

“I didn’t say it would work, obviously we both know it wouldn’t” Aubrey says with a shrug, clearly seeing through Beca’s excuses. “But I know Chloe, and I know Chloe in love. The only reason I missed the signs this long is because there wasn’t anyone I could see in her life. Now that I know you’re here, and have been for months, it’s not hard to see.” There’s no judgement in her tone, but Beca can tell Aubrey definitely doesn’t approve of the situation. Even without the swirls of color shading the blonde’s aura, it’s clear in her face that she feels Beca is no kind of companion for Chloe.

And Beca can’t disagree. She might have different reasoning behind her conclusions, but she knows she isn’t right for Chloe. It hasn’t been fair to either of them, her sticking around this long, and it’s been entirely because of Beca’s selfishness. And if somehow Aubrey is right and Chloe does love her, that just makes it worse, because Beca can never be the person the redhead needs. She can never be a _person_ again.

“Yes, I love her” Beca admits when it becomes clear Aubrey isn’t going to leave or let her leave without answering. Or at least, if Beca does leave without answering, she’s likely to go straight to Chloe and have this conversation with her instead. And Beca knows that conversation wouldn’t go in her favor any more than this one will. She’s trapped, well and truly, and there’s no way around that. “I never meant to be, but she never really gave me a choice.”

“So what are you going to do about it?” Aubrey asks, accepting the admission without visible reaction. “You and I both know it can’t work, you’re a ghost, and she isn’t. She’s human, and has so much to live for.” Beca bristles at the unspoken implication that she has nothing to stick around for, not caring that she by definition can’t have anything to live for because she’s dead.

“And what, you think because I’m dead I’m some aimless wanderer who latched on to Chloe in order to drain her life dry of possibility? I would do anything for her, not because I love her, but because she’s the kind of person who deserves that. I had things to live for, I had a future and dreams. I was going to college, my father the professor managed to make sure of that, and then I was going to make something of myself. You think I would take that chance away from Chloe just because I don’t get it anymore?” Beca’s anger is sustaining her now more than anything else, the effort of getting that speech out more than she’d been expecting. She knows she should pull back on her emotions, get control of her anger before it changes her, but she can’t. Not after what Aubrey had implied.

Apparently something of her anger is getting to the blonde, because the fear that had mostly faded is back, swirling around her tightly. She obviously wants to run for the door, and even through the red wash of emotion Beca knows its dedication to Chloe’s well-being that holds her in place.

That care and concern is what gives Beca the strength to pull back on her fury before she does something she’d regret, because if Aubrey can face her fear to make sure Chloe is happy, then Beca can face her anger. Even if it’s only out of a desire to avoid being less than Aubrey, Beca will manage.

“I’m sorry” Beca apologizes once she knows she won’t be tempted to lash out rather than speak, her voice soft and sincere. “I know Chloe has a future, and I know it shouldn’t involve me. But I couldn’t bring myself to walk away, even if that was the right thing to do.” She can’t believe she’s telling Aubrey that, can’t believe she isn’t trying to hide what she’s feeling the way she always has in the past. This woman isn’t Chloe; she doesn’t owe her anything more than an apology. She certainly doesn’t owe her an explanation for something that has nothing to do with her. And yet, here she is.

“So again, what are you going to do about it?” Aubrey asks, this time at least managing to sound supportive rather than blandly accusatory. “Because if you don’t do anything, then Chloe will be the one who ends up hurt, and I don’t want to see that happen.”

As much as it hurts, Beca agrees with Aubrey. If she sticks around, Chloe will never have the chance to truly experience her life. She’ll always hold the woman back, always be a burden. Chloe might even welcome her, be more than willing to deal with that fact, but Beca can’t do that to her. Welcome or not, Beca can’t be the one who puts limits on Chloe’s life.

“Don’t-don’t tell her I love her, okay?” Beca asks rather than answering, knowing that Aubrey will know what she’s decided. “Don’t make it harder on her than it has to be. And if she needs me, if by some chance she needs me someday, tell her to put out a red carnation, and eventually I’ll see it.”

“So you’re not actually going anywhere? And why a red carnation?” Aubrey asks in confusion, and if it weren’t for the sheer sense of pain and loss Beca is already feeling, the look on her face might have been amusing.

“I know myself well enough to know I won’t be able to stay away, not completely. There are some people you can’t walk away from, no matter how hard you try.” Beca doesn’t mention that no matter what she does she’ll be hurt, and that the pain will never diminish or disappear, so seeing Chloe every few months won’t make anything worse. Even knowing she won’t be able to talk to the woman, that she’ll be separated by an even greater distance than already lies between them, doesn’t seem to matter right now. She doesn’t explain the flower; years of living with an English professor had taught her the meaning and symbolism of most flowers, and that’s the only signal that comes to mind right now.

“You’re doing the right thing, you know” Aubrey says softly. And Beca knows that, but it doesn’t make it any easier to reach for her anchor and pull it away. There’s a sickening lurch in her stomach as she does, and if she still had a body, Beca knows she’d probably be throwing up as a wave of pure nausea rolls through her. But it’s done, and she can’t throw up, and the nausea will pass. Even if the pain won’t.

Her resolve nearly crumbles when Chloe comes rushing into the auditorium, eyes wide and a look of loss in her eyes that matches the way Beca feels. “Aubrey, what happened? Where’s Beca?” One look at the redhead and Beca can tell she’d felt the anchor’s removal as much as the ghost, that she feels as much pain at its absence as Beca does. And now Beca wants to kick herself for not considering this possibility. She hadn’t known Chloe would feel it, she’d thought Aubrey would have a chance to explain before Chloe realized she’d gone.

“She left.” Aubrey says quietly, not meeting Chloe’s eyes.

“But she can’t leave” Chloe whispers, eyes closed against the thought. “She can’t leave me. I need her.”

Beca can’t take any more, not when she sees tears beginning to coat Chloe’s lashes, and leaves, quickly regaining the knack of drifting where she wants to go. At least this time she remembers to stay conscious of her energy levels, despite her emotional pain she makes her way to her father’s study, anchoring in place and working to gain control of her feelings before she tries to talk to him.

Her apology to her father is long overdue, after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry it took so long to post this, I kept wanting it to go a completely different way and nothing would cooperate. And between that and the 11 hour days I've been putting in, it was a very big pain to get through. Hopefully the next chapter will take far less time to get through, I have a pretty good idea of where it's going to go and how it's going to get there. I am still pulling long shifts though, so I don't think it will be up tomorrow or anything.
> 
> Also, I'm thinking two more chapters, unless the next one isn't long enough and I combine the two major plot points I have left into one longer chapter.
> 
> As for the meaning of a red carnation, the most common phrasing I can find is "My heart aches for you", though I learned it as "I need you here with me".


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry this took so long! I've been working 50+ hour weeks, spending more time at work than I do at home, and I couldn't find the energy to work on this for more than a few minutes a night. I wish I could promise the next chapter won't take as long, and I do promise to try, but work is still crazy and now I have to look for a place to move again, so time might be just as limited. I really am sorry that I've kept you all waiting this long, so I hope this makes up for it.

It takes Beca longer than she’d expected to shake off her misery, the sense of loss that she’s felt ever since moving from Chloe’s side. She’s barely conscious of her surroundings for most of the first day after she anchors; creating a dim little corner of the room that light doesn’t seem to brighten. She’s too lost in her own emotions to focus on impacting her surroundings, but her very unhappiness does that for her. It’s more subtle than moving things or speaking, more subtle even than temperature, but it does the job and supplies her with the energy she needs to continue.

Even after she’s managed to tear her focus away from that loss enough to be aware of her surroundings, she can’t bring herself to reach out to her father. Not while she still feels as dark as she does now. She still remembers the mess she’d made out of her first attempts at communication, and has zero interest in scaring her father again. Maybe in the past she might have seen it as fair payback for what he’d put her through, but not now. Not after she’s forgiven him, realized that she’s as much to blame as he was for the situation between them. And even if she was still tempted, in the face of how much she hurts right now, the very thought just seems petty and unimportant.

It takes almost a week before Beca can manage to step aside from her pain enough to feel ready to communicate with her father. Not that her pain has faded even the slightest amount, but she can step outside of it when she needs to, set the raw emotion to the side in order to focus on what’s in front of her. It’s still a part of her, will always be a part of her, but she can deal with it now. She can function without it holding her back.

She doesn’t jump directly into conversation with her father though, not the way she had with Chloe. She knows him well enough to know he’d be convinced he was going crazy before he ever accepted the presence of a ghost around him, and she doesn’t want that. But he is at least minimally religious, enough to believe in heaven and the continuation of spirits after death, so she thinks she can work with that.

Ever since she was a child he had spent an hour before bed reading the classics, sitting in his comfortable lounge chair in front of the fireplace and shutting out the world as he lost himself in the words of the greats until he would doze off. She’d curled up with him a few times when she was young, listening to him explain some literary device or symbolism as she struggled to stay awake, not caring about the book but loving the time spent with him. After she’d gotten older and things had gotten tense between them she’d stopped, retreating into her music the way he retreated into his books. And as she haunts his study and sees that he still follows that routine, she knows how she’s going to make contact.

Beca waits for a night that Sheila isn’t in the house, just in case this plan backfires and her father ends up freaking out anyway. She’s not entirely certain this will work, that she’ll be able to catch her father in that stage between asleep and awake that will let him accept _and_ remember what she says. She wants him to remember, to know she forgives him, but she wants him to think it’s a message from somewhere beyond this world. Knowing that his daughter made the mistake of choosing an eternity on Earth as everything she’s ever known fades into the past won’t do him any good. It’s better to let him think she’s happy in some afterlife she’ll never actually experience. It’ll be easier on him.

Knowing that if she hesitates and lets her doubts get to her she’ll miss her chance, Beca starts talking without thinking as soon as her father starts to drift into a deeper level of sleep. “Hey Dad. Can you hear me?” she starts off, trying to see if this will work.

“Beca?” he asks in confusion, too close to falling asleep to open his eyes, but looking around as if looking for her anyway. “Becs, is that you?”

She hadn’t expected the rush of pain that comes from talking to him like this, even though she knows she probably should have. She hadn’t known Chloe before anchoring to her, so talking to her for the first time hadn’t been this kind of emotional. Her father though, is apparently a whole different story.

“Yeah, it’s me, Dad. I just wanted to tell you, you were right. I should have come to Barden, and I shouldn’t have pushed you away.” Even though she’s felt this way for months now, ever since her realization that she’d missed her chances with him, it’s still hard to admit that. If she could actually talk to her father, maybe she wouldn’t be so quick to assume all of the blame, but she knows that isn’t going to happen. So for now, the important thing is helping him move on, not her. She’ll have more than enough time to deal with her own emotions in the years to come.

“Beca, I miss you” comes the soft whisper, and Beca knows that if he starts crying she’ll follow, but she can’t bring herself to say anything, can’t make the words come. “I wish you were still here.”

“I wish I was still here too, Dad” Beca admits softly, hopefully to quiet for him to hear, mostly asleep as he is. “I just wanted to let you know I’m sorry, and I forgive you for everything, and I hope you can forgive me too.” That’s all she has time to say before he slips the rest of the way into sleep, but she thinks it might be enough. She’ll stick around for a few days to see, knows that he won’t wake up more than barely enough to get into bed tonight, won’t process anything he remembers from this until he actually wakes up in the morning. Beca just hopes he remembers enough.

He’s quiet the next morning, and Beca follows him around, a little concerned at the lack of reaction. He’s not just tired  and overworked like she’s seen him any number of times in the past, he seems withdrawn somehow, and she’s afraid she’s somehow made things worse.

It’s not until he heads back into his study to check his email that she gets a clue as to what’s going on in his head. Just as he’d done the last time she’d anchored here, after starting up his computer he sat back in his chair, staring at the picture on his desk. But this time there’s no pain on his face, or at least there’s something that overshadows the pain. There’s a sense of acceptance, of peace to his face now that had been missing, and Beca knows that even if he doesn’t remember details, she’s managed to help.

She still sticks around for a few nights, slowly explaining that she loves him, that she forgives him, and that she’s okay. She lies to him when he asks if she’s okay, tells him she’s happy and not to worry about her. And maybe she’d gotten used to the way Chloe could always see through her deflections, but when he accepts that, she can’t stick around anymore. She’s hopefully helped him through the worst remnants of his grief, helped him move past her death, but she can’t stick around and substitute this connection for the one she’d had with Chloe. Even though she knows they’re wildly different situations, they’re nowhere close to the same level.

And with that realization, she knows she can’t make herself avoid Chloe any longer. She knows it will hurt again, knows that she won’t be able to reach out and talk to the redhead without giving up on the reason she’d left in the first place, but she can’t stay away. She needs to see Chloe, even if she can’t talk to her. After all, she’s already had so much she can’t do with her, what’s one more thing added to the list?

Even with that mental preparation, she isn’t prepared for the stab of pain that comes from seeing Chloe walk into the rehearsal room with the other Bellas. There’s a sense of sadness that still clings to the redhead, a hesitation to her laughter and a shadow to her smile that tell Beca she’s still hurting. And Beca feels guilty at the sight, knowing this is all her fault, that Chloe deserved an explanation that Beca could never give. It wasn’t fair to her to just leave the way she had, but there was no way that she would have been able to go through with telling Chloe and still leave.

It’s already hard enough to see her now, knowing that she’s probably gone about everything in completely the wrong way, from following Chloe to begin with, to falling in love with her, to the way she’d left. This is all her fault, but it stretches back farther than Beca particularly wants to admit.

Even with that, she can’t bring herself to leave again, not so soon after seeing Chloe again. It’s painful yes, but it’s also helping. She can see Chloe is in pain, and knows that it matches her own, but she can also see Chloe enjoying herself, spending time with the Bellas before practice, and she knows that Chloe will get over the pain. Maybe not soon, maybe not completely, but she will be able to move on.

Beca is so busy watching Chloe that she doesn’t notice Aubrey at first, not until something about the blonde’s demeanor makes her stop and think. After a minute it becomes clear that Aubrey is no more fooled by Chloe’s act than Beca, the way she’s staring across the room with a slight frown gives her away. That doesn’t surprise Beca; someone who has known Chloe for as long as Aubrey has should be able to tell when something is wrong. No, what makes Beca stop is the fact that Aubrey looks like she feels just as guilty as Beca does.

And while part of Beca wants Aubrey to feel guilty, wants to give in to the temptation to blame the blonde for what’s happened, she can’t quite bring herself to do so. Because Aubrey might have pushed her to admit what was going on and how she felt, but that doesn’t make her responsible for the situation, or for the fact that the only possible solution could only end with someone getting hurt. Wanting Aubrey to feel guilty is nothing more than misery wanting company, and that’s as unfair to the blonde as the situation is to Beca and Chloe.

And once Beca works through those realizations, she puts Aubrey out of her mind. She can’t, and wouldn’t, do anything about how the blonde feels, and Aubrey is definitely not the reason she’s sitting through another Bella’s practice despite not being tied to Chloe any longer. If Aubrey feels guilty about any of this, then that’s her problem, and she can deal with it on her own. Right now, Beca just wants to make sure that Chloe is okay, even with the hidden pain.

She’s so busy watching Chloe that she barely notices the group launching into the same old routine with the same boring harmonies. It’s all background to her focus on Chloe, the way the redhead’s brow furrows as she reaches for notes that are just barely out of her reach, the effortless glide of her body as she moves through the choreography at odds with the struggle to reach the notes. And even with the feelings of guilt Beca is currently struggling with, she can’t help remembering the mixes she’d been working on while she was still anchored to Chloe, the ones that she wouldn’t admit were entirely inspired by a desire to see the Bellas perform an actually decent set. Because she doesn’t care about the Bellas, damn it, only how their successes affect Chloe.

Of course, no matter how many times she’d insisted that to herself, the repetition hadn’t had any effect on her creative drive. At least not for the last month or so she’d been following Chloe around. No matter what she’d intended to mix during that time; she couldn’t seem to make it work without thinking of how the various voices and talents in the Bellas could make the music sound. She’d had to scrap more than one project completely when she simply couldn’t find songs and beats that matched the visions in her head, a fact that would have completely irritated her if not for the fact that it ultimately revolved around Chloe’s happiness.

And Chloe had loved the mixes, no matter that Beca had never admitted the inspiration behind them. She’d just hummed them to herself while studying, occasionally breaking out into songs when she’d get particularly caught up in the music. And of course Beca had chosen songs that fit perfectly into Chloe’s current comfortable range, minimizing any affect the redhead’s nodes could have on the singing. There were no impressive riffs or breathtaking highs, but that had just inspired Beca to make every other nuance of the music perfect, letting the seeming simplicity speak for itself.

Those memories make Chloe’s struggle that much more evident, and Beca starts feeling a wave of concern fight with the flood of guilt and pain she’s been dealing with since seeing the redhead again. She’s never liked watching Chloe struggle, not since awkwardly watching the breakup early in the year, and knowing that there are alternatives starts to make her angry at Aubrey’s stubborn insistence that they stick to the outdated set. Can’t the woman see what it’s doing to Chloe?

But it’s not her place to say anything, not anymore, not that it ever was. She’s taken a step back from Chloe, and any association with the Bellas that had come from that, no matter the distance she’d intended to keep. And as much as she wants to speak up and defend Chloe, she can’t. Chloe doesn’t need her to. Despite what she’d heard the redhead say before leaving last time, Chloe doesn’t need her, not for this or for anything else. How could she? How could Beca be there for her even if she did?

So rather than speaking up, Beca just watches as Aubrey leads the Bellas through repetition after repetition of the set, not noticing when she starts to absentmindedly hum under her breath, finding the spaces in the songs that the current routine ignores, finding the rhythms and counterpoints that work almost by habit. It’s not like she hasn’t heard the routine thousands of times, hasn’t spent more than a few practices thinking about how to improve things, so thinking of songs that fit takes no effort. It’s just a distraction from the ache she still feels from being this close to Chloe.

It’s not until Chloe stops singing in the middle of a song to look around almost frantically that Beca realizes she’d started singing aloud, and not until she realizes Chloe is looking for her that she remembers what had happened the first time she’d sung with the redhead. Something about mixing their voices seems to cross the divide between their existence without effort or conscious thought from Beca, and the ghost almost gives herself away by cursing loudly when she realizes Chloe remembers just as well as she does.

“Chloe, what the hell?” Aubrey asks when she literally runs into Chloe, the rest of the Bellas stopping around them, clearly grateful for the break and side benefit of potential drama.

“I heard her” Chloe says softly, still looking around rather than meeting Aubrey’s gaze, and Beca can tell Aubrey knows exactly who Chloe is talking about. “She was singing with us, I heard her. She’s here.” Beca worries for a minute that the rest of the Bellas will hear and get suspicious, but the fact that they’re keeping their distance from Aubrey’s wrath combined with how quietly Chloe is speaking seems to keep them from hearing.

“Chloe, I know you want to believe she’s here, but she said she was leaving. She’s gone.” Aubrey’s voice is as quiet as Chloe’s, with no hint of anger, but something about her posture is still keeping the rest of the women away, and Beca starts to relax, at least about that potential disaster.

“How are you so sure she isn’t coming back?” Chloe asks, finally looking at the blonde, a surprising amount of challenge in her eyes. “What did you say to her to make her leave? You’re my friend, Aubrey, my best friend, but whatever you said, you had no right to say. We were fine, we were great, and then she left. So what did you say?”

That’s a surprise; Beca had fully expected Aubrey to tell Chloe everything, to paint Beca as being entirely in the wrong. She hadn’t really expected the blonde to keep her secret, not when Chloe was the one asking. Beca had been half convinced it was impossible to keep secrets from Chloe, at least when the redhead set her mind to finding something out.

“I didn’t tell her anything she didn’t already know” is all Aubrey says, and Beca thinks maybe that’s how she’s managed it. Refusing to give any details at all would certainly limit how much information Chloe could piece together, without any need to lie or misdirect. It’s probably the best balance Aubrey can find in her own mind between whatever level of consideration she somehow has for Beca and the honest care she has for Chloe.

“We aren’t performing this set at Semis” Chloe eventually says, loud enough for the rest of the Bellas to hear as she stares Aubrey down. And the blonde is as thrown by the seeming change of topic as Beca is, but the rest of the group greets the pronouncement with cheers that would probably be louder if not for the look Aubrey sends them. “You might not be willing to tell me what happened, but you owe me this much. We’re using one of the mixes she made for me.”  
“Wait, who made you a mix?” Cynthia Rose asks from where she’s settled into the bleachers, noticing Chloe’s choice of words before any of the other Bellas.

“That’s not what’s important here” Amy says with a knowing yet exasperated look at the woman. “The point is that ginger over there has a set that has to be more interesting than this one.”

“There is nothing wrong with this set!” Aubrey insists, looking away from Chloe for a moment to glare at the rest of the Bellas, the apparent mutiny enough to momentarily distract her.

“Aubrey, I can’t sing half of it, the others hate every note and every step, and you’re the only one who thinks it gives us a chance to win Nationals” Chloe say before the other women can speak up or shrink back from the glare. It’s obvious that Chloe has decided this is what needs to happen, and there is no way for Aubrey to convince her otherwise. “Besides, no matter what you’re saying, I know you had something to do with this, and whatever your reasons were, you owe me.”

“It was the best option” Aubrey insists, obviously hurt by the accusation in Chloe’s voice. And Beca wonders whether she should step in to take some of the blame off of the blonde, because she’d been just as involved in making the decision as Aubrey had. It really was the best decision to make; there wasn’t another option that would have done anything but hurt more in the long run. But there’s no way to do that now, not without one alerting the rest of the Bellas to her existence, and two ignoring all the reasoning that had led to leaving Chloe’s side in the first place.

“You guys want to tell us what’s going on?” Cynthia Rose asks after the silence as Chloe and Aubrey stare challengingly at each other goes on long enough to get awkward.

“What’s going on is that we need to come up with choreography for a new set” Chloe says with no hesitation, her eyes not leaving Aubrey’s for a second. And something in her voice or demeanor finally gets to Aubrey, the blonde visibly wilting as she gives in.

“Fine, let’s hear the mixes” she says, and Beca can hear the apology in her voice, maybe the only apology Chloe is likely to get. And Chloe clearly hears it as well, because the challenging set to her posture eases slightly even as she pulls her laptop out of her bag, already beginning to forgive her friend even if the hurt hasn’t faded.

And Beca knows that she’s had enough emotional stress for the day without seeing Chloe react to her music, so she leaves before the redhead can decide which song to start with. It’s a little easier this time, without being connected to Chloe there’s no gut deep sense of loss, just the normal disorientation of drifting that barely registers for her anymore.

After the first painful experience of seeing Chloe without being able to talk to her, it gets easier to see her around campus, the months spent following her giving Beca more than enough familiarity with her routine to find places to anchor where she can see the woman without getting too close. She avoids Bella practices though, not wanting to deal with those emotions again this soon. She’ll follow the group to Semis and watch them perform, but she can’t bring herself to watch them practice.

Once they get to the competition Beca has gotten better about dealing with her emotions, knowing she’ll need to keep careful control over them to avoid giving herself away. Even if no one else realizes what’s happening if she gets distracted and affects the area around her, Chloe knows her and her abilities well enough to easily pick up on even subtle interactions.

She nearly loses control of her temper when the group before the Bellas is on, despite the effort she’s put into making sure her emotions can’t get the better of her. Their lead singer is arrogant and annoying, and looks immature enough that one solid scare would probably be enough to completely set him off and ruin his team’s chances. In the end it’s more the knowledge that Chloe will realize what happened than any kind of maturity of her own that keeps her in line, but Beca knows that no matter what the reason it’s probably the best choice.

Once the Bellas start performing she’s glad she resisted the urge, because if she’d given into her emotions earlier she definitely wouldn’t have been able to keep them under control as she watches. Chloe had chosen the mix Beca is most proud of, one that highlights every voice in the group but still manages to feature Chloe’s voice time and again. And if Beca had been making the mixes for the Bellas as a whole rather than using Chloe as a foundation for the music she might feel bad about the way Chloe is the focus so often, but as she listens to the redhead sing she can’t bring herself to feel guilty.

After the passion that the group put into the performance, Beca isn’t surprised at all when they manage to snag first place from the shocked Trebles and Footnotes. It’s not just the fact that the set is ten times better than the old one; it’s the fact that every single Bella had put everything into the performance, even Aubrey. The other groups had clearly sung for the competition, but the Bellas had sung for the music, and that made all the difference. It’s even enough that Beca doesn’t give into the urge to find the lead singer of the Footnotes after the competition and at least freeze him out, content that his loss is enough punishment for the arrogance.

She does report him to the organizers though, leaving an anonymous email in five different inboxes to make sure it’s seen. Losing might have been enough for the arrogance, but the attempt to cheat needs addressed all on its own, and Beca knows that an official reaction will be better than what would in effect be petty revenge.

Despite the fact that she’d loved the routine the Bellas had chosen for Semis, she’s glad to see them choosing a new one the next time she watches a practice, knowing that becoming attached to the first new set would ultimately be just as bad as Aubrey’s stubborn attachment to the original. And with the number of mixes that Beca had made for Chloe, there’s plenty of inspiration to be found, probably at least for as long as any of the current Bellas will be in school.

The performance at Nationals goes over just as well as the one at Semis, and Beca knows this is the moment she has to start saying goodbye to Chloe. She’d expected it to be the redhead’s graduation, but something about seeing Chloe lifting the trophy over her head with Aubrey holding the other side seems like the right moment. She won’t stay away forever, knows that she couldn’t manage that even if she wanted to, but she can’t keep holding on either.

She’ll still attend graduation, still check in on Chloe at least once a month, but she won’t keep anchoring where she knows the redhead will pass her, won’t seek out the sight of her on a regular basis. She has to at least try to move on, because the longer she holds on, the harder it will be, and no matter what she decided eventually life itself will make the decision for her. At least this one is on her terms.

It’s small consolation in the days ahead, but at least it’s something.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is not the end of the story! There is another chapter to finish things up, and I'm looking forward to getting it written, it has one of the scenes I've had in my head since I saw the prompt that led to this. Please feel more than free to comment and let me know how you're liking this and whether this chapter lived up to the rest, I know I've left it sitting so I'd really appreciate knowing if anyone is still reading and enjoying.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so if anyone wants kleenex, I have some extras left from writing this that I can share. Otherwise, you might want to bring your own.

Over the years it gets easier to stay away from Chloe’s side. Beca never feels quite right keeping her distance, but eventually she just gets used to it. At first she’d worried each time she’d stopped by, the traces of pain left by her absence still visible in Chloe’s aura if not on her face. But eventually they’d faded a little, enough to seem healed over even if they never disappear, becoming as much a part of who Chloe is as the pain is a part of Beca now.

Given the circumstances, Beca had eventually just had to accept that was the best she could hope for. She’d obviously made a mark on Chloe’s life, no matter what she’d intended, and she just has to deal with that. At least she’d left before things got to the point Chloe wouldn’t be able to move past her absence, wouldn’t be able to recover.

Because recover Chloe does, moving past college into adult life with every bit of cheerfulness and drive Beca had admired at Barden. She gets a job teaching high school choir, and spends hours every weekend volunteering for more organizations that Beca can keep track of, passing her love of music to everyone she possibly can. And seeing it all, every accomplishment and moment of happiness each time Beca visits, it all makes it that much clearer that Beca had been right to leave.

Chloe has built a life for herself that has no room for Beca, the way she’d known needed to happen. Chloe would have tried to fit her in, to build around the presence of a ghost in her life, and it wouldn’t have been fair. She’d deserved the chance to build a life fully for herself, with circumstances and people she’d chosen, not someone who’d latched on by accident and then never left.

Most of the times she drops in over the years are short visits, a few hours at most to make sure Chloe is okay, that nothing in her life has gone wrong since the last time Beca stopped by. And she’ll usually drift by Chloe’s school once a week or so just to check in, not even bothering to anchor, just taking a few minutes or even seconds to make sure nothing is showing in Chloe’s aura to hint at trouble in her life.

The longest she stays is a week soon after Chloe switches schools, when Beca realizes the new building is home to a young ghost. Or at least young in age, because when Beca talks to the boy she finds out he’s been around for years. He’s spent the whole time pranking new teachers, and the way his eyes light up when Chloe walks in sets off warning bells in Beca’s mind. Because Chloe won’t scare, she’ll just remember things that hurt her, and there’s no way this boy can be allowed to do that to her. So she sticks around, countering every trick the boy tries to pull on anyone until he’s finally willing to talk to her instead of brushing her off.

“Okay, what the fuck” he snaps when she keeps him from making it seem like the new markers are completely dry, the fifth prank she’s stopped that morning alone. Even with all of his practice pranking, he’s never really focused on building strength or stamina like Beca has, so it’s almost ridiculously easy to interfere with whatever he tries. “What do you have against some harmless pranks?”

“Not a thing” Beca says with a smirk, knocking a chair over just to prove her point. It also shows him what she can do, because from everything she’s seen him try to do, there’s no way he could have done the same. “But the new teacher? If you try pranking her, _that_ I will care about. And I’ve already had to waste a week of my time here to deal with you, so why don’t you start listening to me so I can be on my way?”

The way this kid acts make Beca glad she’d died at 18 instead of somewhere around 14, because based on how he’s acting, you don’t mature much as a ghost. And Beca had spent enough time as her 14 year old self, the idea of eternity like that sounds less appealing than eternity already does. Not to mention, she’d forgotten how annoying boys that age are.

“Look, what’s the harm in pranking her? The new teachers are the best, they haven’t heard the stories yet, so they really freak out.” The excitement is back on his face, and Beca really wishes ghosts could feel physical pain so she could slap some sense into him. Not that she’s every been particularly interested in fighting, but words are clearly not her strong suit, and she thinks that maybe a good smack might get her point across without fumbling through trying to convince him.

“She doesn’t need to have heard the stories, she knows ghosts exist, you won’t scare her” is what she ends up saying, instead of trying to smack him even knowing it wouldn’t accomplish anything. “And she knows how to get rid of ghosts, so maybe you should actually be scared of her.” It’s the truth, Beca had told Chloe several ways to get rid of ghosts despite the redhead’s protests, wanting her to know that she had options and a choice in the matter. Chloe had of course insisted she would never need them, but Beca had been just as insistent that she know them, not because she’d thought Chloe would ever use them, but as a way of showing Chloe that she could be trusted.

And it seems to work, because now the idiot boy in front of her looks worried. He’s trying to pretend he isn’t, but he has no practice hiding his emotions from his face or his aura, and Beca can see that she’s made him nervous. “That’s not- you’re lying, aren’t you. How would she know something like that?” he tries to bluster; and Beca has had about enough of him. It’s bad enough that she’s been this close to Chloe for a week and hasn’t been by her side, but having this kid as company instead just makes it worse.

“I told her, any other questions?” Beca snaps, letting him see that her patience is wearing thin. “She was a friend of mine and I made sure she wouldn’t have to put up with annoying twerps like you.” She doesn’t tell him that Chloe would be a lot more likely to sit down and try to talk to him than anything else, because the last thing that needs to happen is Chloe dealing with another emotionally needy ghost when she’s finally building a life of her own.

After that it’s just a matter of a few more cutting comments and shows of strength to convince the kid to leave Chloe alone, and then Beca is free to continue on her way. She can’t help stopping by Chloe’s class though, watching as she divides the students into groups for practice on specific areas, pulling individual students aside to help with breathing and diction every few minutes. She makes it seem effortless, as if there’s nothing else she would rather be doing, and it strikes Beca just how _comfortable_ she is in this role. She jokes with the students, isn’t afraid to stand in the middle of any group and sing with them, not even the boys hitting the base notes, something that still brings a smile to Beca’s face even if the students have obviously gotten used to it by now.

She’s clearly at home in her life, happy with what she’s accomplished and built for herself. There’s no discontent in her face or aura, only the lingering scars that Beca knows won’t ever leave her. But they’re just memories now; they don’t hurt beyond a few occasional twinges of regret. That’s one of the benefits to being alive, you continue to grow and move on when something hurts you, and when it becomes a part of you, you build on it. But a ghost doesn’t have that luxury, and seeing Chloe hurts Beca just as much now as it had when she’d left. Death doesn’t come with the luxury of healing. Still, it’s better that she hurts than Chloe does, and now that she knows the redhead won’t have to worry about the school ghost bringing up old memories, it’s time to move on once again.

It gets harder to check on her when Chloe starts dating, even though Beca knows she deserves to find happiness. She’d left for that very reason, to give Chloe a chance to find someone without the complications that come from being in love with a ghost.  And with Beca’s own emotions just as strong as the day she’d left, seeing Chloe with someone is as painful as leaving in the first place had been. It’s only Beca’s determination to protect Chloe that keeps her checking in, because if anyone even _thinks_ about hurting the woman then she wants to be able to step in.

She’s tempted to every time a relationship starts to end, wanting to save Chloe from the pain she can see coming, but it isn’t her place. Relationships, both good and bad, are a normal part of the life she’d left so Chloe could have. No matter how much she wants to protect Chloe from the emotional hurts that come from the ending of a relationship, stepping in would be intruding where she isn’t needed and doesn’t belong.

And then Chloe falls in love, in an actual love that Beca knows is what she’d been meant for all along. She finds a man who loves her just as much, one who is there for her the way Beca never could be, one who promises a future that Beca could never give. And it hurts, but there’s also a lessening of the old pain, because this, this is what Chloe deserves. There’s happiness, and touch, and shared promises all wrapped up in a love that’s clearly visible to anyone who looks, because it’s not just in their auras but in every move they make. It’s what Beca had hoped Chloe would find, what she'd hoped Chloe would have a chance to find if Beca wasn’t around to make things difficult.

That doesn’t mean she goes to the wedding.

Once Chloe is married she stops by less often, giving some of her self-imposed responsibility to protect the redhead to her husband Aaron once she’s convinced he takes it just as seriously as she does. It’s a convenient excuse to avoid seeing Chloe happy with someone else, and another step Beca knows she needs to take away from the redhead’s life. She can’t base her existence around Chloe after all, it’s not healthy, and would ultimately be futile.

She does show up when Chloe goes into labor, refusing to consider why her presence could be necessary but unable to stay away. She ends up feeling a strange kinship with Aaron as he stands next to Chloe’s bed, worrying about every twinge of pain Chloe feels. He’s so focused on her that nothing else seems to register, as if he can keep any pain or potential disaster away by sheer force of will. And she can’t say whether or not it works, but Chloe comes through the delivery with no problems, smiling happily down at her daughter once they’ve placed the girl in her arms.

The happiness doesn’t fade over the next few years, every time Beca stops in she sees a scene of domestic bliss that would make her scoff if she couldn’t see the depth of emotions behind the cliché. It’s enough to make Beca jealous twice over, once because Aaron is the one who gets to share it with Chloe, and twice because their daughter gets to have two parents who genuinely love each other, no hidden discord beneath the surface. Paige gets to grow up happy and secure, and Beca hasn’t grown up enough to escape the jealousy that comes from seeing it, not completely at least.

Her jealousy fades soon after Paige turns five, when Aaron gets sick. It’s worse than anything she’d gone through, she’s honest enough to admit that. And of all the families in the world that could go through something like this, Chloe’s is the one that least deserves it. If Beca hadn’t long ago accepted that nothing about life or death is fair, she’d wonder what kind of sick joke the universe was playing. But the universe doesn’t care, it just exists and lets humanity struggle along as best they can.

It’s hard to stick around and see Chloe in pain, to watch her lose the life she’d deserved so soon after finding it, but Beca can’t bring herself to leave completely. There’s nothing she can do without revealing her presence and adding the confusion of long buried feelings to the whole situation, but she can’t just abandon Chloe. Through months of treatments and pain, months of dashed hopes and growing fears, she stays close. Maybe she’s just waiting for Chloe to remember her promise to be there if she’s needed, even if she isn’t sure she wants to be remembered when there’s nothing she can do but add to Chloe’s pain and disappointment.

The only time she leaves is when it’s obvious that the fight is over, unable to deal with the possibilities and grief that will be so prevalent for days afterwards. And even then she doesn’t go far, spending her hours mindlessly messing with jerks in coffee shops and bars just to pass the time, somehow able to tell when the universe shifts slightly as Aaron moves from Chloe’s side of existence to her own, and then on to whatever comes next.

Even then she waits a few hours before returning to Chloe’s side, not sure what she’ll see when she does. After all, Chloe knows that there is some kind of existence after death, will she be upset that he didn’t stay? Or glad that he took the chance to move on to wherever comes after? And would Beca’s presence make things better or worse? Would she just be a reminder that he could have stayed?

In the end she goes back despite her reservations, though she’s determined that she won’t reach out to Chloe unless it’s obvious that the redhead needs her. But surrounded as she is by family and her daughter, Chloe seems to be coping. It’s obvious that she hurts, but she has support around her and it’s too new to have really begun to hit her. She doesn’t need Beca, at least not at the moment, and based on the amount of love around her, she might not ever.

Beca sees the control slip a few times over the next few days, but there’s always someone there to catch Chloe before she can fall, to share in the burden before it gets overwhelming. And her daughter is there for every step, sharing in the grief as best her child’s mind can comprehend. With the pressure to be there for her daughter, Chloe manages to make it through the worst of the pain with relative ease over the course of a few months, making it a part of her and moving on without dwelling on it for too long. Soon the pain is a set of scars that matches the ones Beca had left, a little more raw and painful, but no longer constantly hurting the redhead.

And all through the recovery, Chloe shows no sign of needing Beca’s help or presence. It hurts, but Beca has to admit that it’s what she’d wanted, all those years ago. Or at least what she’d been convinced Chloe needed, because leaving Chloe had never been what Beca wanted to do. And here she is, wish granted, watching as Chloe takes charge of her own life, no matter what challenges come her way.

She’s just about decided to leave again, to go back to her previous habit of checking in every few weeks rather than constantly hanging around, when Paige brings out one of Chloe’s old scrapbooks, ones that Beca has seen Chloe look through but never looked through herself. She hadn’t wanted to get too close to Chloe, no matter where her actual anchor was, out of fear that Chloe would somehow sense her presence, so while she’s seen Chloe look through the books numerous times in the past, she has no idea what’s in them.

Curiosity keeps her around when Paige pulls one out, curiosity and a desire to put off leaving for just a little longer. After months of being by Chloe’s side other than when she needs to interact with the world to keep her energy up, she’s reluctant to leave, and any excuse to stick around for even a few more minutes is welcome.

And it’s worth it to hear the happiness in Chloe’s voice as she talks to her daughter, laughing at memories from her past as the two look through pictures of Chloe’s childhood and teenage years. Each picture has a story, and Chloe shares many of them with her daughter, unknowingly sharing them with Beca as well. It reminds the ghost of the day she’d shared so much of her own past with Chloe, and makes her miss the closeness that she’d felt that day and afterwards, the deep friendship that had developed despite the impossibility of the situation.

Beca drifts slightly closer as the pages head towards Chloe’s college years, wanting to see the familiar sights of Barden’s campus. She hasn’t been back since Chloe graduated, had said goodbye to most of what the campus had represented to her. Other than Chloe, she’d left Barden and everything about it behind. It represented too many lost opportunities and what ifs to keep visiting, and while Chloe was the biggest what if of her life, she was also the one thing Beca couldn’t bring herself to give up.

She has to concentrate on not affecting the air around her as she looks at the familiar scenery, not wanting to alert Chloe to her presence or scare Paige with a random drop in temperature just because she couldn’t keep control of her emotions. It’s harder than she’d thought though, especially once the pictures get to Chloe’s senior year and she remembers them being taken. It’s almost enough to make her question the wisdom of sticking around for this, when Chloe turns another page and there’s a picture of herself staring up at her from the middle of a page of Bellas.

“Who’s that Mama? Was she a Bella too?” Paige asks, not noticing that Chloe’s eyes are filling with tears as she looks down at the page, a trembling hand reaching forward to trace lightly over Beca’s face. It’s not one of Beca’s favorite pictures, not that she really has one, but she has to admit that it captures her personality pretty well. She’s not smiling, is only about half a step away from downright glaring at the camera, an air of challenge set in every line of her body. Beca can’t imagine where Chloe got it from or how she’d known it was of the right person, but somehow she isn’t surprised that she’d managed.

“No baby, she wasn’t a Bella. She was a friend of mine.” Despite the tears in Chloe’s eyes her voice is remarkably even, no sign of her emotions giving her daughter cause for concern as she studies the picture intently.

“She’s pretty. Can I meet her?” Paige asks before turning to the next set of memories, her child’s attention span not waiting for an answer before moving on to the next thing, not noticing her mother doesn’t answer her when she gets distracted by the pillow fight on the next page. It’s obvious that she wants to recreate the fun, and that Chloe welcomes the distraction from what could have been a very painful moment.

But as Beca watches mother and daughter dash across the living room with pillows in hand, she knows Chloe hasn’t forgotten. And she knows that she can’t avoid the redhead any longer, no matter whether it’s the right thing to do or not. She knows it might be a terrible mistake, but she can’t keep from pulling up a picture of a red carnation on Chloe’s laptop upstairs, wondering if she’ll remember the significance, if Aubrey had even told her. But whether she remembers or not, after being reminded of Beca already today a random picture being pulled up on her computer should be a clear sign that Beca is around.

Beca has to wait to find out until after Chloe puts Paige to bed, knowing that Chloe will settle at her laptop to plan lessons before bed, once she’s sure her daughter is out for the night. She’s just glad it’s a Saturday so any conversation won’t steal needed sleep from Chloe’s routine, because she’s sure that Chloe will have plenty to say to her, all of it deserved.

And every fear that Chloe had forgotten her disappears as soon as Chloe opens her computer, the redhead’s gasp of shock a clear indication that she remembers exactly what the flower means. Of course, the absence of that fear means there’s plenty of room for new ones to crop up, and suddenly Beca is terrified that Chloe will insist she leave immediately, not wanting to hear what she has to say.

“Beca, are you really here?” Chloe asks eventually, voice barely louder than a whisper, and Beca can’t read the emotions behind it, or in Chloe’s face or aura. “After all these years, are you back?”

“I’m here” is all Beca can think to say, wishing she could kick herself when she can’t think of anything to add, some way to explain and make everything okay. “I’m sorry” she eventually adds, not sure what she’s apologizing for specifically. Maybe she’s apologizing for everything all at once, from barging into Chloe’s life to leaving without saying goodbye, and everything in between and after.

Chloe is silent for a long few moments after Beca’s apology, and Beca wishes she at least knew what the redhead is feeling, had some way to prepare for whatever is coming. “How long have you been here?” comes the eventual question, and it’s not the one Beca had been expecting. “There’s no way you just happened to be here today of all days, so how long have you been around? Why didn’t you say anything sooner?”

“I didn’t know how” Beca says with a shrug she knows Chloe won’t be able to see, answering the last question first. “I still don’t know if I should have said anything this time, but I couldn’t help it anymore. Not after these past few months, making sure you were okay after…after everything.” Beca trails off awkwardly, knowing Chloe will understand what she isn’t saying and wishing she hadn’t reminded her of that pain on top of what she’d caused.

“So you were here for that then?” Chloe asks softly, eyes closed against the rush of pain she’s obviously feeling at the reminder, and Beca wishes she could reach out and comfort her.

“I was” Beca confirms, wondering how much to say. “I wanted to be there if you needed me, you know? But you never seemed to.”

“Beca, I never stopped needing you” Chloe says with a sigh. “Every day since you left I’ve wondered why, what I’d done to make you leave. Every time something went right I wanted to tell you, and every time something hurt I wished you were there to help me through.”

The situation is getting confusing again, and Beca has to resist the urge to leave once more, to put distance between herself and the emotions that come from being near Chloe. Because even if she’s not anchored to the woman, this is closer than she’s been in years, and it feels comfortable and familiar, like she’d never left. But she had, and she’d had good reasons, ones that haven’t disappeared just because Chloe’s husband is gone now.

“You didn’t do anything to push me away” Beca tries to reassure her, knowing that she’s finally going to have to tell Chloe the truth, and not looking forward to it. “But you deserved more from life than you could get with me following you around. You deserved something, well, something that wasn’t me.”

“Something that wasn’t you? You mean something real? Is that what you’re trying to say? Beca, you’re as real as I am, and so if everything that happened, everything that I felt. You don’t get to say it wasn’t real, like it never happened, because I know you felt it too. You don’t get to say it wasn’t real or that I deserved more, not after you left me to my _very_ _real_ pain without so much as saying goodbye.” Every word from Chloe is like a punch to the gut, made all the worse because Beca knows she’s right. The only defense she has is her own certainty that she’d done the right thing, however wrong her execution had been.

“Okay, so real isn’t the right word” Beca concedes, not bothering to argue that one when Chloe’s made her point so irrefutably. “But it what never have been what you had instead. This life you’ve built? That little girl asleep in her room? Is something that never happened, something that could never have given you this life, worth giving up everything you’ve gained?”

“That’s not fair” Chloe says with a pained look. “You don’t get to use my daughter against me. You know I can’t say I’d give her up for anything, but that doesn’t mean I wanted to lose you either.”

“It was one or the other, Chloe. It always was, and I couldn’t be the one who took this away from you. This life is the one you were meant to have, and the only thing I could have done if I’d stuck around was ruin it.” Chloe thankfully doesn’t argue that point, as much as Chloe can tell she wants to. “I’m sorry I didn’t say goodbye” Beca adds after a moment of thought, knowing that’s probably what had hurt the most.

“Why didn’t you?” Chloe asks, somehow managing to keep any accusation out of her voice. “Aubrey wouldn’t tell me anything, and you were just gone. You said I didn’t do anything, but what happened?” Beca’s a little surprised that even after years had passed Aubrey hadn’t revealed her secret, but she’s also grateful. Even if it means this conversation is going to be that much more awkward and painful, it’s best that Chloe hears it from her.

“Nothing pushed me away; I just knew it was the right thing to do” Beca starts, automatically deflecting even though she knows she needs to be completely honest, the old defense mechanism kicking in. Just because she’s decided to tell Chloe everything doesn’t mean it’s easy to reveal that much of herself. But when she sees Chloe tense, the redhead obviously spotting the deflection, Beca realizes that she needs to get over it, or she’s going to lose Chloe again.

“I fell in love with you” she blurts abruptly, needing to get that out if she ever wants to make it past excuses and deflections to the heart of the conversation. “I fell in love with you, and that scared the crap out of me. I mean, you were amazing, and funny, and smart, and you had a whole life ahead of you. And even if I wasn’t dead, how could I ever be a part of that? And I _am_ dead; I’m a fucking _ghost_ for god’s sake, and I got scared. I got scared, and I ran. It’s what I’m good at.”

She doesn’t mention Aubrey’s certainty that Chloe had fallen in love with her as well, if the blonde hadn’t thrown her under the bus years ago, she’s not going to betray the woman now. Especially when it’s still not her fault that things had turned out the way they had, she’d only done what a good friend should do, look after her friend’s well-being.

“You’re an idiot, Beca Mitchell” Chloe says after she’s had a chance to digest what she’d heard, and Beca just nods, realizing that Chloe can’t see her but not knowing what other reaction she can have. She’s reaching the point where she needs to be careful with her energy, especially if she wants to be able to answer all of Chloe’s questions that she’s sure are coming. Her silence seems to throw Chloe for a second before the redhead can remember how much energy talking takes, and Beca wishes she could reassure her that she won’t leave again, at least not the way she did last time. But she’s afraid that any reassurance would fall flat, given that she’d once promised the same thing and then left without a word. “How much longer can you talk? Because I don’t want to have this conversation on a computer” she asks, and Beca stops to think.

“If you have questions you want answered ask them now, but I might not be able to really explain my answers tonight” Beca says after a second, wanting to prove that she’s willing to be completely honest, but also having to admit that she hasn’t had much practice speaking over the past few years, and she’s a little rusty.

“Did you know I loved you too?” Chloe asks almost immediately, and if Beca weren’t already dead, she might have been after the shock of Chloe jumping right into things. With limited time tonight, she obviously wants to get the biggest questions out of the way, leaving Beca struggling to organize her thoughts with no warning.

“I knew” she admits, certain of that much. “I think I knew for a while, but I didn’t let myself see it.” It’s the truth, and as much of an answer as she can give without spending most of her energy on the first question, but there’s so much more Beca wishes she could tell Chloe, things that might help the redhead understand why she’d left.

“If you knew, then why didn’t you say anything? Why didn’t you give us a chance to figure things out together?” comes the next question, and Beca can hear the hurt in Chloe’s voice.

“Because you see the best in things” Beca says eventually, trying to find the right words to express her reasoning. “Because it was crazy, and there’s no way I could have been anything but a burden, but you see possibilities in everything. And I couldn’t live up to that.” She wishes she could explain so much more, but she’s already said too much, used too much energy to answer that one question. She’s more out of practice than she’d realized, and it’s taking more effort to remain coherent the longer the conversation goes on.

“You’re definitely an idiot, Beca” Chloe mutters, and Beca just nods again, knowing she’s still right. She still firmly believes that Chloe deserved the chance to build a life without being held back by her presence, but she’s starting to realize there might have been better ways to go about leaving. She’d taken the coward’s way out, and she knows it.

“I’m sorry” she says again, trying to convey each thing she regrets in two simple words, and knowing they’ll never come close. There’s no way they ever could, not when she’s made so many mistakes. “Can I try something?” she asks after a brief argument with herself, her old desire for privacy warring with her need to be open with Chloe. But she knows she needs this, needs to face her fears or she’ll end up making the same mistakes she did years ago, and this time there won’t be any fixing it.

So when Chloe nods Beca pushes down her reluctance and crosses to her side, hesitating only a moment before reaching out to put her hand on Chloe’s shoulder the way she’s done several times before, but this time not holding anything back, not trying to hide any of what she’s feeling. Chloe already knows, and what she doesn’t there’s no reason for her not to.

She’s honestly not sure what to expect, honestly wouldn’t be surprised if her emotions did nothing but confuse Chloe, given that she can’t sort them out herself. But something about the mess of feeling that Chloe has to be feeling seems to help, the tension in the redhead’s posture easing as she closes her eyes, one hand reaching up to rest where Beca’s does as she takes everything in.

“Thank you” is all she says when Beca finally removes her hand, but somehow it’s enough. And as much as Beca wishes the contact went both ways, at least she’s shown Chloe how she feels, not only the love that’s still a big part of those emotions, but also the regret and pain that came from the way she’d left. “Will you still be here in the morning?” Beca isn’t surprised to hear the doubt in Chloe’s voice, even after everything they’ve talked about, but it still hurts.

“I’ll be here. This time, I’m not going anywhere unless you tell me to” she promises, knowing the doubts will remain, but determined to erase them. If she keeps enough promises, maybe Chloe will eventually believe her again.

xxxxxxxxxxx

Despite the promise the night before, Beca can tell Chloe wants to ask if she’s still there when she wakes up. “Paige will be waking up soon” is all she says instead, her posture tense in a way that tells Beca she half expects her statement to go unanswered. But the fact that Chloe was the first to speak despite the doubt is reassuring, proof that she intends to give Beca a chance, however little she might deserve it.

“Do you wat me to leave?” Beca asks without thinking, hurrying to explain herself when she sees Chloe’s reaction to the question. “I don’t mean completely or anything, I just didn’t know if you wanted some alone time with her.” She doesn’t really want to go anywhere so soon after getting the chance to actually talk to Chloe again, but every argument against taking up Chloe’s time when she was in college goes double for her now, her daughter has to come first and Beca wants to be completely supportive of that fact.

“I don’t want you to go” Chloe answers softly, and Beca realizes just how deep the uncertainty must go, the lingering doubt caused by the old pain that Beca’s presence clearly brings up again. “I understand if you don’t want to hand around watching us all day, but I don’t mind if you do.” There’s an unspoken plea in Chloe’s voice that’s impossible to ignore, and Beca knows she’d promise the world to keep from letting her down again.

“If you don’t mind, then neither do I” is all she says, electing to keep it simple rather than explain that she’ll willingly go along with whatever Chloe tells her. She has no claim on her time, and even less right to expect _anything_ after how she’d hurt the redhead, and if Chloe still somehow wants her around, Beca isn’t going to argue.

So rather than leave or watch from a corner feeling guilty about being there, Beca spends the day watching Chloe interact with her daughter, feeling somehow included every time the redhead looks for a sign of her presence, the way she had years ago. And Beca doesn’t mind not being able to participate, not only does she not want to take away from Chloe’s day with her child, but after the last time Chloe had revealed her existence to someone she’s wary of trying again. Especially with a small child. Even if she doesn’t manage to terrify the girl, having her tell people she and her mother have a ghost friend probably wouldn’t end well.

By common but unspoken consent she and Chloe hold off on talking about anything important while Paige naps, not wanting her to wake up and wonder why Chloe’s been crying or who she’s talking to. Instead Chloe spends the time working on lesson plans she’d neglected the night before as Beca just sits and enjoys the stillness. Even as a ghost she’s usually moving, either trying to outrun something from her past or just trying to keep too busy to focus on anything in particular, and sitting in Chloe’s warm presence is a welcome change.

The rest of the day passes quickly, and before Beca realizes it Paige is in bed again and it’s time to finish the conversation from the night before. But even after a full day of thinking and trying to prepare, Beca has no idea where to start.

“Where are you anchored?” Chloe asks after a moment of awkward silence, and Beca’s mind flashes back to the time she’d explained how to force a ghost away by finding their anchor before dragging it back to the present and reminding herself that Chloe’s definitely just making conversation.

“Tree in the backyard” she says with no hesitation once she’s pushed the irrational fears away. “Same place I usually put it, close enough to the house to be no strain, but far enough away that I didn’t think you’d notice it.”

“So you’ve been around a while then?” Chloe says, and Beca realizes that she hadn’t actually admitted to that part. She hadn’t been trying to hide it, has mostly give up trying to justify any specific actions from years past, she just hadn’t thought about it until Chloe brought it up.

“Not like, consistently” Beca tries to explain, hoping she won’t sound like a creeper. “I just wanted to make sure you were okay, so I’d stop by for a few minutes or hours every couple of weeks or so. Stopped by your schools a few times too, just to make sure you were still happy.”

“Why didn’t you ever say anything?” Chloe asks after thinking that over. “Did you think I’d forgotten about you?”

“I knew I’d never be able to leave you twice” Beca admits, hoping that the honesty will not only explain but help with the lingering doubts Chloe still has. “I wanted you to live your life on your own terms, but I wanted to be there for you if you needed me, like really needed me.”

Chloe doesn’t start that argument again, a fact that Beca’s very grateful for. “But you’ve been around for a while this time, right?” she asks instead, and Beca knows they’re approaching a difficult part of the conversation.

“Ever since you got the news there wasn’t anything they could do” she confirms, wishing they could avoid this part and the pain it will bring.

“Were you there when, when he-“ Chloe tries to ask, voice breaking as the emotions come back to her, clearly remembering the sense of loss and pain she’d felt. “Did you see him?” she continues after taking a minute to gather herself.

“No” Beca admits softly. “I wasn’t sure I could give him the right answers, if he needed them.”

“What are the right answers?” Chloe asks, still trying to get control of her emotions as tears silently track down her face.

“I still don’t know” is the only answer Beca can give, but she wants to explain, needs Chloe to understand. “You were happy with him, and I know he wouldn’t have left the way I did, but would that have been fair to either of you? You can’t change your mind after you decide, and he would have been stuck here without you eventually.” There’s more to the story, but Beca doesn’t know how to put it into words. She also doesn’t bother explaining that she’s realized that will be her fate, years of existence without Chloe, knowing the woman has moved on to whatever comes after this world as she continues to drift her way across this one. It doesn’t need said, they’re both well aware.

“Is that the only reason?” Chloe asks, obviously sensing the unspoken thoughts, and Beca knows she’s going to need to find the words for the rest of the explanation somehow, even if she can get away with not mentioning her future.

“No, there was more” Beca says before trailing off, trying to think before deciding to just blurt it out. “He wouldn’t have left your side, and I’d already hurt you once. I was afraid that if I tried to give him advice, I wouldn’t be able to forget that fact, that I’d want him to move on just to get him out of the way, not because it was the best choice for him. I was afraid if I was there, I’d be selfish, and I couldn’t do that to you.” Because yeah she’s hurt Chloe, yes she’s made some poor decisions and wishes she could do things over, but the one thing she’s never been was selfish. Even the things that were probably mistakes, at least in how she’d gone about doing them, were for Chloe’s benefit above anything else, and she wasn’t about to ruin that streak by willingly putting herself in the path of temptation like that.

“I told him to go on” Chloe admits quietly, tears still falling unnoticed down her face. “I told him about you, and the choice he’d be given, and I told him to go on. I didn’t want to, I wanted to ask him to stay, but that wouldn’t have been fair, and I couldn’t ask that of him.”

As far as conversations go this is probably the worst Beca’s ever been a part of, mostly because she feels so damn helpless as she watches Chloe cry, knowing it’s natural grief but wishing she could take the pain away anyway. She’s at a loss for what to do for a long moment, before an idea comes to her. It won’t fix the pain, won’t erase the grief or sense of loss, but it might right an old wrong.

But this time she needs to ask permission, and the very thought of that makes her more nervous than she thinks she’s ever been. She doesn’t even know how to phrase the question, and ends up blurting it out inelegantly, wishing she could take it back as soon as the words leave her mouth. But Chloe just nods, immediately agreeing with a smile that manages to balance hope and the remnants of her grief.

And when Beca’s anchor shifts from the tree to Chloe once more, it feels as if everything has slid into place, as if everything had been slightly off for years and now is back to where it’s supposed to be. And this time, Beca promises not only Chloe but herself that she won’t go anywhere, that she’ll never leave Chloe’s side again.

And so the years pass the way Beca occasionally wishes they always would have, the two of them sharing everything they can given their different planes of existence. It’s not always easy, there are times Beca wants nothing more than to be able to hold Chloe, to actually experience life with her, but she won’t take what she does get for granted this time.

They both know that it can’t last forever, that time will pass and take Chloe with it, but for now they try not to think about it. It’s better to live in the moment, to enjoy the time they do have without worrying about what Beca will do after. When she does think about it, her brain refusing to let the matter drop, she’s half convinced that she’ll end up following Chloe’s descendants for years upon years, making sure they’re safe and happy. Maybe influencing lottery tickets just enough to keep them financially stable. Not that she’s already done that to help Chloe retire comfortably.

And then the day comes, and Beca can’t stop the tears, knows that she’s affecting the air around her but unable to help it, knowing that she’ll finally have to say goodbye once more and hating every second of time that passes. And the cold seems to fit the somber mood as Chloe’s family crowds the room, old friends and students as much family as her daughter and grandchildren as they all say goodbye.

But at the very end it’s just the two of them and a doctor, Chloe insisting that they not see her go, that they have no memory of her death, only her life and the good times they’ve had. And even at ninety-four and unable to do more than lift her hand, no one can argue with her, so Chloe gets her way.

Beca had thought she could never feel more pain than she’d felt when she’d first left Chloe, but hearing the soft solid tone is so much worse, and she waits for the bond between them to fade with Chloe, knowing that will be the moment she finally faces the goodbye. She’s not sure what will happen, there’s no way Chloe will be offered the same choice she’d gotten, she’s lived out the entirety of her life to the fullest, left nothing undone to hold her back.

But the bond never fades, and Beca begins to feel herself pulled along, as if Chloe were walking away at the end of her ability to move from an anchor point. It’s dizzying, but with concentration Beca follows the pull, moving faster in an effort to catch up. It takes a minute, but eventually she does, and there is Chloe, once again the young woman Beca had first met, laughing and smiling as if she hadn’t just died.

“Took you long enough to catch up” she says, slowing slightly but still moving towards some goal only she can see. “I was afraid you wouldn’t realize what was going on.”

“I don’t think I have, I gotta be honest” Beca says, willing to follow Chloe anywhere but not understanding what’s going on.

“I’m moving on” Chloe says, as if that should be obvious. And it is, but Beca doesn’t see what that has to do with her. Apparently Chloe understands that, because she continues without prompting. “And since we’re tied together by more than just an anchor, you get to come with me. I mean, if you want to, that is.” There’s a nervousness to the last comment that Beca thinks is completely unfounded, because as much as she’s terrified of whatever they’re moving towards, she’s more scared of losing Chloe. She’d been lying to herself, pretending she’d be okay with it when she’d thought that was the only option she had, but she knows there’s no way she ever would have gotten over it.

“You’re not getting rid of me that easily” Beca says with a smirk, glad that Chloe can finally see it to appreciate the amount of expression she can pack into it, grabbing the redhead’s hand at the same time. It’s finally warm and solid in her own hand, and Beca knows that no matter what does come after this, they’ll face it together, finally truly together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And we've reached the end! I probably won't expand on this universe at all unless someone has a prompt that I just can't resist, but I don't see that being very likely, and it definitely won't be soon. I've got another very old prompt that I need to finally get worked out and written, and then a few ideas for one shots and the Better!Verse that I want to get written. But feel free to hit me up on tumblr at always-atyour-side with any thoughts, prompts, random observations, or just about anything else.

**Author's Note:**

> I haven't abandoned You Make us Better, but I kept running into writer's block and decided to switch gears to knock this out. I didn't expect it to turn into this, with two and half chapters written and the second currently being edited. I'll hopefully be able to switch back and forth between this storyline and the one I'm working on for the Better!verse, so if you've sent me a prompt know that I haven't abandoned it, and that I will get to it if at all possible.


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